Monthly Archives: July 2012

Trust and Friendship

Posted on by
Reply

For a couple of days, I haven’t been able to write.  I haven’t found something “inspiring” or “worthy”.  I didn’t want just drivel.  I wanted something more profound.  Today I realized, that I am the only one in my way of finding the profound.  I needed to reach deeper, past the surface and into my heart and truly “see” what’s hiding.

I’ve also been inspired by some of the comments that have appeared on my blog.  To realize that my words, thoughts or ramblings, have impacted others, was exciting.

Exciting because it challenges one of my core beliefs of being a failure and unworthy.  I never believe that I have any value or that my life matters much to others.  I know I have kids and I matter to them.  But when a disgruntled kid tells you “I hate you”, I take it to heart and believe it.  So discovering and allowing myself to believe that my voice and actions matter is exciting. To think that I might have friends or people around me who WANT to be there in spite of my own insecurities is exciting.

I took a risk today.  I impulsively invited a few close friends over for a swim and a BBQ.  I like to be social, but I’m always afraid that I won’t be good enough.  That my house won’t be clean enough, or the situation interesting enough.  Since my husband died 2 years ago, I have rarely had people over.  I’ve been too embarrassed. Too depressed. Too scared to take a risk (even with close friends) to be vulnerable and let them in my home.  All the voices in my head of “you are a failure” “you aren’t good enough” have been too loud.  My husband was someone who lifted me up emotionally and I had more confidence when he was alive.  But since then, its all been on me – I have had to be the one to lift myself up.  And I just haven’t had the strength.  I’ve wanted to, and have had to plan and plan, so that I could be “ready”. and so often, I end up just “not ready yet”.

Today as I was vacuuming the swimming pool, I got thinking.  Thinking that I hadn’t seen enough of my friends lately. (we have a close knit group of several families who’ve kids have grown up together for the past 14 years).  And my kids haven’t seen their friends.  Thinking that we will be leaving for a month of holiday and I won’t see them at all.  So I suddenly thought – I’d love for them to come over and swim and have a BBQ. And today would be a perfect day.

What is so unusual though, is instead of instantly thinking of every excuse why this was a BAD idea – such as the lawn needs mowing, the patio isn’t finished, the house isn’t clean (meaning that there are dishes, laundry and vacuuming to be done!), etc etc etc.  I grabbed my phone.  I went for it.  I took a plunge.  I jumped into the ocean wave, uncertain of what was waiting for me.  I was not exactly confident.  I was hopeful for a moment that, I would in fact have a “party” of my friends/kids.  I was excited at the prospect.

First call = most likely, but later on.   I felt a bit of disappointment that it would be “later”.  Second call = no answer (suspected family out of town for son’s tournament) – More disappointment.  I really wanted to include them.  And also knew that first person was more likely to come if 2nd was there too. Sigh.

Feelings of self doubt and self worth began.  What the hell am I thinking? I can’t host anything.  Nobody is going to want to come here.  But I still braved the waters again.  I made a third call.  And she was going to check with her son and husband but sounded like a definite yes.  Ok – feeling a bit empowered. I got a life vest on.  I can do this.

I called the fourth.  Another Yes, but later on.  Ok, this will happen.  So called back first person to let her know about the others!.  And off to the store I went, excited that i was going to see my friends and host a “pool bbq”.

I now suddenly wanted to be the hostess with everything.  I wanted to be prepared.  I wanted to be worthy.  I didn’t want to let anyone down.  I didn’t want to disappoint.   In years gone by, that would have meant preparing everything from scratch.  I didn’t have time or energy and suddenly I was ok with that.  I’m not sure where that bit of confidence came from.  But I will sure take it.

But by the time I finished shopping I have a text from one saying – nope she has a friend coming over.  What?  Instantly I was crushed.  I was thrown on the shore by my wave and dumped in the sand.  The message in my head was “she’d rather see someone else. She got a better offer.”   But I had to GET UP.  Shake it off.  Dig deeper inside.  check the facts.

I decided Whatever… She doesn’t want to see me, Fine.  don’t.  I’ll see the other 2 families and she won’t.  Her loss.  But there was that inner voice knocking me down.  Saying – bet the others will cancel too.  Nobody really wants to see you.  You aren’t worthy of their time. They will be no shows.

I jumped into my pool and enjoyed the water.  I put on some music outside.  I encouraged my kids (ok I forced my kids) to come outside too.  And we hung outside and waited.  And hoped the others would still come.  I got a text from the out of town one. – was on a ferry and MIGHT come by.  The others still haven’t cancelled.  I remained hopeful. But the voices in my head kept trying to pull me under and drown me.

I didn’t spend my time washing every last dish, wiping down the counters and table and mowing the lawn.  I played in the sun.  I was allowing myself to just BE.

And the 2 families who could come “later” DID!  And we had a great time.  And the ones who were on the ferry came too!  WOW.  honestly I was so pleased.  And I served a simple menu and everyone was happy.  And I wasn’t 2nd guessing my housekeeping status every second.  I just allowed myself to visit.  And it made me happy.

The profound thing was that I TRUSTED my friends with myself AND…  I TRUSTED myself with my friends. Its one thing to hear “we aren’t here to visit your kitchen (house etc), we are here to visit YOU’.  But its hard to believe it.  Society has trained so many women to think that we have to be the perfect hostess etc.  And then it becomes hard to enjoy the company we have.  Tonight I was able to live that.  My friends were here to see ME  They WANTED to come. And I got to visit them.

There is still that horrible voice in my head saying “why would they want to visit you?”  But I took a leap of faith.  A leap of spontaneity and opened myself up.  Made myself truly vulnerable and triumphed.  I honestly think every person, including the kids had a good time.  Nothing was perfect. It was all impromptu.  And it didn’t matter.  Because everyone was there for FRIENDSHIP.

I conquered that voice for a few hours today.  I conquered those beliefs for a brief time.  I took that plunge into the wave of unknown, and came out riding it.  I know that there will be many more waves ahead.  Many more chances to succeed and fail.

But I have to trust that my friends don’t care if my home/life is perfect or if I wear granny panties.  I have to trust that they are my friends because they care about ME.  All of me. Just as I am.  And that’s a profound lesson for me to truly accept.

And that’s me. GP.

Bring on the beach

Posted on by
Reply

I’m going to the lake today.  I love the water.  I can tolerate the sun if I have some shade and a place to cool off.  There is something refreshing about being on a beach.  Somehow I find it can wash away some of the stress and I can just BE for a while.

There is no laundry or dishes or gardening or rooms to clean.  No bills, no tv.  Just Water, sand and sun.  A reclining chaise, an umbrella for shade, a snack, book, and PEACE.  When its too warm, a float on my inner tube, probably with my dog lying on me.

Talking with a good friend, while our girls play.  Maybe dozing.  Just staring out at the water.  Enjoying a moment.  I don’t often do that. Its hard for me.  But I actually took the time to reschedule a therapist appt so that I could do this trip today.  Yeah me!

In my head, I’m calculating what I need to pack to bring along. Debating if I wake the sleeping teen and drag him along too.  (I’m thinking yes, as he never gets up or goes anywhere, but not sure if I want the fight or the grumpy kid next to me)  Ah decisions decisions.

What is it about water and sun, that just make you feel better?  I don’t like just the sun. I get hot and uncomfortable.  I love water.   I think I always have.

I’m hoping that this day will rejuvenate me a wee bit.  Help me to let go of some of the anxiety I have dealt with this week. I think it will be a great day.

I’m leaving the house as is.  I’m not going to worry about the dishes or laundry.  They will be waiting for me upon my return anyways.  I’m going to find my sunblock and swimsuit, my floppy hat, my flipflops and an unhealthy snack! I’ll change out of my granny panties before I go.

Well I guess its time to stop talking about it, and do it!

And that’s me today. GP

STRESSED

Posted on by
Reply

I have tried to tell myself it doesn’t matter.  I’ve tried to say “I don’t care”  I’ve tried to believe the Social worker saying its not a big deal.  BUT IT IS!!  She is coming here today for a home “visit”.  I repeatedly used the term “inspection” and the social worker was uncomfortable!  SHE didn’t like it!

OMG.  A visit is where you have a cup of tea, some muffins or cookies or something and talk, chat, cry, laugh and VISIT!  That is NOT what she is coming here to do.  She is coming here to walk through my home and make sure “it’s a safe environment”.  That’s is a fucking inspection.  She is INSPECTING my home.  And I can’t believe that she thinks calling it something else will make it any less foreboding.  SERIOUSLY?!

I know she’s not “the housekeeping police”.  But even if I have my in-laws coming I would want things all tidy and vacuumed.  But at least with “guests” you can shut off rooms (like my office or the kids rooms) and not let others see them.  She will be required to come and look at it all.

I know I have nothing to hide.  I know it shouldn’t matter.  I’ve been TRYING hard to believe that I don’t care what she thinks. That its a stupid formality.  So why did I cry myself to sleep?  Why did I wake up half a dozen times? Why am I so freaked out?  Because somebody else is coming to judge me?!  And I don’t think I measure up.  I WANT to have a perfect home. But I don’t.  So my “you are a failure” message is resounding in my head as I scrub the kitchen floor with the mop and realizing that the cupboard fronts are dirty and will have to stay that way.

I have a little over an hour.  I still need to have my shower.  Get my son to unload the dishwasher, so i can load it again. (first I have to get my son out of bed – and since i heard him cleaning at 5am – I suspect he hasn’t had much sleep yet).  My daughter doesn’t care.  She is quite content that her room is a disaster.  I helped her for 2 hours yesterday. But a stranger seeing it now, won’t know how much worse it was!  Its awful.  My office is really bad.

ARGGHH.  I wanted to let this “visit” (such a joke) just slide off my back as no big deal.  But it IS!  And I’m STRESSED. and somehow all this is being done to HELP me.  Ok sure.

The system is so messed.  And its making me a mess.  My anxiety is peaking.  I’m even contemplating taking an Ativan.  So how is this a good thing?! How is this HELPING me?

If the social worker found it made her uncomfortable when I kept saying inspection, then she needs to stop for a moment and THINK.  “if I’m uncomfortable and I have all the power, how must the client be feeling?”   Cause its a WAY bigger deal to me.  She is doing a job.  She will write a report.  I have a basket of laundry to fold, dishes to do, rooms to clean and all of it is on display for her to write about!  ARGHH!

I’m soooo stressed out.  I don’t want my Granny panties to be inspected or ‘visited’ .  I want to be left alone!

And that’s me.  GP.

School Supplies

Posted on by
Reply

As a child I looked forward to the day we would go to the store to buy all the new school supplies.  I’d eagerly await the chance to pick out my fresh new crayons in the 64 pack if I was lucky!  And once home, it was great fun to touch and sort everything, as my Mum had to write my name on all 64 crayons.

And ironically, my daughter also loves it too.  She has asked for days “when can we go buy school supplies”.  Last week when Walmart cleared the summer display out, we knew the supplies were on their way and we could be shopping soon.

I’ve learned too, that the early bird gets the best duotangs and felts!  Don’t wait til the end of August!  You’ll end up with one colour duotang, or worse have to go to 3 stores to find any at all!  So today was the day, to get the 50 pack of thin felts (after all its better to have more colours!) and the 16 pack of thick felts.  My kids no longer need crayons.  That’s ok.  Now we are onto zipper binders and geometry kits.  I still remember my first geometry kit – I felt so grown up.

I even treated myself to 2 packs of sharpies! A standard pack with 2 black, and a red, blue and green.  But also a special pack that had pink, purple and other neat colours.  Felt pens for grown ups!  🙂  Exciting times. My son was questioning “why are you getting that?”  “Because I want to!”  Serioulsy?!  He doesn’t get it.  He was bemoaning being in the store “can’t we just buy this stuff and get out of here?”  So much like his dad.  Hehe. But it was all there, the glue, pens, paper, etc. And I wanted to look at it all.  I restrained somewhat, but I really wanted to.

So many schools including my daughter’s offer a school supply package.  You pre-order and its given to you on your first day of school.  I did it one year for my son.  And I realized how disappointed I was.  I missed out on my once a year shopping trip!  I didn’t get to pick the big packages of felts etc.  All the kids had exactly the same stuff.  Where is the fun in that? Nope we never pre-order anymore.  I LIKE the shopping and I like getting my kids the larger packs of felts etc so they have all the cool colours.

And now that we are home, my daughter is opening the packages, putting paper in her binders, felts into pencil cases etc.  I totally get it!  Its so much fun!  I’ll have to label it all (not so much fun). But I remember that thrill and its fun to see my daughter getting that same thrill. At this very second, she is opening her first geometry set and checking out the protractor and compass.

I like shopping generally. So does she. But there is something inherently special about that annual foray to get school supplies. We won’t get that trip for another year now.

We did pick up a bunch of other “stuff” like shampoo, bandaids, t-shirts, and granny panties.  But that doesn’t give me the same rush of enjoyment. It’s all about the school supplies!

So that’s me (with my NEW granny panties and sharpie felts!)

So unfair.

Posted on by
Reply

Life is just so unfair.  And nobody said life would be fair, but seriously?! Some people seem to roll along with minor blips and bumps and others get major shit, time after time.  Its not fair.  Its not right.

And one person’s crisis is a bump to another. And vice versa.  Honestly, I’m tired of it all.

So finally my beautiful daughter is on medication and calmer. And able to cope better. So that should be good right?  But the meds are causing her to gain weight FAST.  She is getting fatter.  She is 2 sizes larger than she was just a few months ago.  She can tell.  She can see it.  So my once, tiny, athletic SKINNY girl is now definitely chubby.  And just in time for puberty and when looks count for so much.  As we sat together in her room going thru her clothes and getting rid of the small stuff, she broke down and cried.  “I’m getting fat Mummy”   It broke my heart.  I was the fat kid.  I carry the scars of self hatred and the teasing to this day.  Food is my comfort and enemy.  And now here she is, 9 years old and suddenly in a size 14 pant when she could wear size 10 at Christmas.  Seeing it, feeling it and hating it.  And we know her meds are a big part of the problem.  But she MUST take the meds.  She is a picky eater, so finding food she likes is an issue too. Sigh.  It’s not fair.  Sooo unfair.

Hasn’t she suffered enough losing her dad?  And having a mental disorder that causes her extreme rage and anxiety?  And having to see therapists and doctors? and having her brother hate her and tell her so repeatedly? and having a weak ankle causing her to give up gymnastics which she liked? and her anxiety disorder causing her to have fear of heights so she had to give up diving? and now she is getting fat?  ENOUGH!  This girl is only NINE!  So unfair.

It just makes me cry.  I feel so helpless.  I can’t do much for her.  I can suggest healthy options (which she hates) I can encourage exercise. I can support her tears.  But I can’t take away any of the pain.  And I know the pain first hand.  And I live the pain daily.  I want it to go away.  For me and her.  Its just so unfair.

and that’s me today.  GP.

WHY?

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve never understood why I’m much more willing to help someone else than I am to help myself.  And I suspect I’m not alone on this.

It applies to almost every aspect of my life.  I am way more critical of what I do, say, etc than I ever would be of ANYONE else.

Yesterday is a perfect example.  I was more than willing to help pack and move boxes for a friend (who didn’t even ASK me for help), than I am to do virtually any task at home for myself.  I took a friend’s child over for a sleepover, so those parents could have an evening off.  But am I able to ask for the same help? Nope.  Do I think I should ask for help? Nope.  Do I think I deserve the help? NOPE!  and yet I feel the others deserve it.  I think they are worth it.  I think they’ve earned it.

On more than one occasion, I’ve had a therapist ask me “what would you do/think if this was a friend in this situation?”  “What advice etc would you tell them?”  and I am HONESTLY stymied that I can’t treat myself with the same respect and rights as I’d give my friends.  One therapist went so far as to have me contact a friend, and have her write out some reasons WHY, she liked me as a friend.  The list made me cry.  But the realization that I can’t create that list for myself is upsetting. I truly can not fathom WHY people like me. Or what good they see in me. Or why they want to be around me.

Its so hard to give myself accurate credit for what I do.  I dismiss things too easily or negate them.  Rather than thinking “good for me, for packing over 1/2 my friends kitchen into boxes” I think “what a  procrastinator you are, you should be cleaning your own kitchen, you lazy ass”

Instead of acknowledging that I did something nice for someone, I’m too busy criticizing myself for something I haven’t done.  Or “should” have done.

I WANT to like and respect myself.  I envy those who have (or appear to have) self esteem.  I’m trying desperately to re-think the way I do and see things, so that I will change.  But it just seems that I end up more critical of myself.  I end up comparing everything and I come up short. (which is easy when you are only 5’3 1/2).

When I try to lose weight, I end up comparing my success with someone else. And if she has lost more, then I think well its because she’s better than me. She’s more committed to the goal. And if she’s more committed to the goal, its because she’s better than me at dieting. And since she is better at dieting, its obviously because she’s a better, stronger, more capable person.  Its because I’m a failure and I suck at stuff. I can’t just stop and let it be that we lose at different rates. It’s black and white – all or nothing.  Since I’m not doing perfectly, i don’t want to at all.  If I am not the best, I’m the worst.  There is no 1/2 way.

And somehow without realizing it, I’ve taught my daughter the same messed up perception.  So now I’m ruining her life too.  Apparently it’s not bad enough that I see everything all askew…now my daughter gets to see it that way too.  I hadn’t even known I’d said anything or done anything, for her to get this messed view.  Why do I have these perceptions?  I don’t remember being “taught” them.  Just like I certainly don’t remember “teaching” them to my daughter.  So WHY does she see things so black and white too?

Why can’t I accept help as readily as I’d offer it?  Why do I feel needing help is weakness? I certainly don’t think any of my friends are weak. I feel they are all much stronger than I, and yet I’m willing to give them help.  And I don’t think they are weak for accepting it.  Why is it, that if someone takes my kid for the day or a playdate etc, I think I will OWE them big time.  And yet, when the shoe is reversed, I don’t think they’d owe me anything at all.

I just don’t know WHY I have this totally unattainable, unrealistic, high standard for my life. But don’t expect anyone else to have to strive to it.  I’ve mentally collected all the positives that everyone else does, and put them ALL into ONE package deal.  And I can’t do it.  (I’m not sure if anyone actually does) But since I can’t – I’m a failure. AT EVERYTHING.  And since I’m gonna fail, why start? why bother?

So once in a while, I’ll help someone else, and I feel good for a few moments. I like the positive feedback – the “oh thank you so much” etc.  And for a moment I smile and feel proud of myself. Even to a point, where I allow myself to feel smug because “I” did that “whatever it was” and not someone else.  But just as quickly I wipe out that feeling, and replace it with a negative reminder of a failed aspect in my day to day.  WHY?  does it make me feel better? Nope. But I’ve become more used to being miserable on the inside.  And the warped perception I have, tells me that I deserved the bad things.  That I’m being punished for being bad.  Why? who knows…

So, day by day I need to acknowledge and ACCEPT some things I’ve done that are GOOD and worthwhile and stop there.  NOT negate them.  NOT replace them.  And maybe one day I can stop asking Why.

And that’s me.  GP

 

 

 

MYOB

Posted on by
Reply

Ok Pet peeve vent here.  Decades ago, it was believed “it takes a community to raise a child”.  People borrowed a cup of sugar from a neighbour. Maybe it was idealized. Maybe it wasn’t real? But now, it seems judgement is passed far more readily than help or encouragement.

Just today I saw a FB post from a friend, trying to solicit others to criticize another person’s  (also a friend of mine) parenting.  And lots of others jumped on that bandwagon with both feet without knowing the facts. They cast judgment. Most didn’t ask for more facts.  It drives me crazy. Firstly, what business is it of anyone of them? Nobody asked for this advice, comments or opinions.

Why have we become so willing to cast stones against others?  Who made us so much better than our neighbours?  Do you know what they battle each day? When did our “story” become irrelevant?

I’m so sick of it.  I had to stop putting a lot of things on FB as it became too hurtful.  I used to trust most people.  I used to trust that my friends and acquaintances were all essentially good.  I believed in being open and honest.  No facades. (well other than hiding that I personally felt that everyone else was better than me, and I was a failure – but that’s a post for another day). Now I’m jaded, and distrustful.  I’m wary of others’ judgements on me and my life.

Now it seems the only time many want to HELP – is to criticize.  Seeking out the truthful people, the ones who DO care, is challenging. I have many great friends. I have many I trust and who do care.  But its so hard to discern who the “others” are. Who are the ones who are secretly casting judgements and throwing stones behind my back?

Why is it so hard to communicate honestly?  If you are concerned for someone, or their kids then TALK to them.  BE OPEN. BE HONEST.  don’t hide behind FB or ministry Social workers.  Man up.  Don’t gossip.  If we truly want the best for others, then isn’t it up to us to provide it personally? Honesty IS the best policy.  I still believe that.

I WANT a community to help me raise my family.  I WANT to be part of a community that helps raise my friends’ kids.

When I see a friend’s child doing something inappropriate, I’ll tell that child to stop. (heck I’ll tell a total stranger) I’ll tell the parent I did so.  But know what? I’m not judging that parent.  I LOVE my friends’ kids.  I TRUST their parenting.  I know that there is a story for their actions and why they parent as they do, and why the kids may act as they do.  Does that mean I agree with everything all my friends/kids do? Of course not!  Nor do I expect my friends to agree with all my choices.  But if there was something BIG, that I was concerned about, I’d say so. and I would want them to say so to ME.  Don’t hide. Honesty!

Be True, Be real. Hang your Granny Panties on the line for others to see! And if you can’t be honest and true, then MYOB.

and that’s me. Granny Panties and all! 🙂

 

My life as an Ocean Storm

Featured

Posted on by
Reply

Ok, so I have this space so I can write, vent, and generally be too verbose about all the twirling thoughts in my head.  So now I can’t decide what to write about first.

I like the picture I picked because to me it represents my life. I have something beautiful (ocean, landscape) but my thoughts or the actions of my life (the storm clouds) are lurking just above threatening to make it miserable. Or worse, the storms HAVE hit and unleashed fury on our landscape and made a mess. But once the storm passes, there will be beauty again.

I feel like I’m living in a constant storm.  I am waiting for that calm.  and waiting and waiting and waiting…  OK already, enough of the storms. I want the beautiful sunset part now.

Time will tell what the storm washed ashore.  What treasures and what demise.  But right now I’m still slogging through the puddles of mud and water and my boots are leaking.  I need to find a rock to climb on, but I just keep tripping on the stones. Occasionally I’ve found a beautiful shell, but its either broken or gotten lost.  I know they are there though.  I see glimmers of them, peeking out at me. Offering me hope.  Today the rains have stopped and the clouds are parting, and it seems like calm seas may lie ahead, but I fear another storm is brewing just beyond the horizon ready to rear its ugly head, when I’m least ready.

and that’s me today. Granny Panties!

 

You found me!

Posted on by
Reply

Well if you are here, that means either:

a) I’ve trusted you into this private space, or

b) you’ve inadvertently stumbled into my crazy vortex.  Either way – Welcome.

This is my place to reveal the real me.  so here it is – I am a mom. I have 2 kids. I am a widow.

When I’m mad, I swear, even in front of my kids. Oh well. (lock me up now!). I think a clean house is when both the laundry AND dishes are done at the same time as the LR is vacuumed. And oh yeah, I wear Granny Panties. This is me.