School Supplies

As a child I looked forward to the day we would go to the store to buy all the new school supplies.  I’d eagerly await the chance to pick out my fresh new crayons in the 64 pack if I was lucky!  And once home, it was great fun to touch and sort everything, as my Mum had to write my name on all 64 crayons.

And ironically, my daughter also loves it too.  She has asked for days “when can we go buy school supplies”.  Last week when Walmart cleared the summer display out, we knew the supplies were on their way and we could be shopping soon.

I’ve learned too, that the early bird gets the best duotangs and felts!  Don’t wait til the end of August!  You’ll end up with one colour duotang, or worse have to go to 3 stores to find any at all!  So today was the day, to get the 50 pack of thin felts (after all its better to have more colours!) and the 16 pack of thick felts.  My kids no longer need crayons.  That’s ok.  Now we are onto zipper binders and geometry kits.  I still remember my first geometry kit – I felt so grown up.

I even treated myself to 2 packs of sharpies! A standard pack with 2 black, and a red, blue and green.  But also a special pack that had pink, purple and other neat colours.  Felt pens for grown ups!  🙂  Exciting times. My son was questioning “why are you getting that?”  “Because I want to!”  Serioulsy?!  He doesn’t get it.  He was bemoaning being in the store “can’t we just buy this stuff and get out of here?”  So much like his dad.  Hehe. But it was all there, the glue, pens, paper, etc. And I wanted to look at it all.  I restrained somewhat, but I really wanted to.

So many schools including my daughter’s offer a school supply package.  You pre-order and its given to you on your first day of school.  I did it one year for my son.  And I realized how disappointed I was.  I missed out on my once a year shopping trip!  I didn’t get to pick the big packages of felts etc.  All the kids had exactly the same stuff.  Where is the fun in that? Nope we never pre-order anymore.  I LIKE the shopping and I like getting my kids the larger packs of felts etc so they have all the cool colours.

And now that we are home, my daughter is opening the packages, putting paper in her binders, felts into pencil cases etc.  I totally get it!  Its so much fun!  I’ll have to label it all (not so much fun). But I remember that thrill and its fun to see my daughter getting that same thrill. At this very second, she is opening her first geometry set and checking out the protractor and compass.

I like shopping generally. So does she. But there is something inherently special about that annual foray to get school supplies. We won’t get that trip for another year now.

We did pick up a bunch of other “stuff” like shampoo, bandaids, t-shirts, and granny panties.  But that doesn’t give me the same rush of enjoyment. It’s all about the school supplies!

So that’s me (with my NEW granny panties and sharpie felts!)

So unfair.

Life is just so unfair.  And nobody said life would be fair, but seriously?! Some people seem to roll along with minor blips and bumps and others get major shit, time after time.  Its not fair.  Its not right.

And one person’s crisis is a bump to another. And vice versa.  Honestly, I’m tired of it all.

So finally my beautiful daughter is on medication and calmer. And able to cope better. So that should be good right?  But the meds are causing her to gain weight FAST.  She is getting fatter.  She is 2 sizes larger than she was just a few months ago.  She can tell.  She can see it.  So my once, tiny, athletic SKINNY girl is now definitely chubby.  And just in time for puberty and when looks count for so much.  As we sat together in her room going thru her clothes and getting rid of the small stuff, she broke down and cried.  “I’m getting fat Mummy”   It broke my heart.  I was the fat kid.  I carry the scars of self hatred and the teasing to this day.  Food is my comfort and enemy.  And now here she is, 9 years old and suddenly in a size 14 pant when she could wear size 10 at Christmas.  Seeing it, feeling it and hating it.  And we know her meds are a big part of the problem.  But she MUST take the meds.  She is a picky eater, so finding food she likes is an issue too. Sigh.  It’s not fair.  Sooo unfair.

Hasn’t she suffered enough losing her dad?  And having a mental disorder that causes her extreme rage and anxiety?  And having to see therapists and doctors? and having her brother hate her and tell her so repeatedly? and having a weak ankle causing her to give up gymnastics which she liked? and her anxiety disorder causing her to have fear of heights so she had to give up diving? and now she is getting fat?  ENOUGH!  This girl is only NINE!  So unfair.

It just makes me cry.  I feel so helpless.  I can’t do much for her.  I can suggest healthy options (which she hates) I can encourage exercise. I can support her tears.  But I can’t take away any of the pain.  And I know the pain first hand.  And I live the pain daily.  I want it to go away.  For me and her.  Its just so unfair.

and that’s me today.  GP.