I definitely need a new housekeeper.  My current one is just NOT getting the job done at all.  It seems she spends all her time sleeping, or sitting at the computer, trolling Facebook, pinterest or playing solitaire.  She has absolutely NO work ethic at all.  She is a nice enough person,quite social in fact,  but just doesn’t seem to have any gumption.  In a full day, she might accomplish a couple loads of laundry or maybe load the dishwasher and wipe the counters.  She has been saying for WEEKS that she will clean the kitchen floor, and yet as of today – STILL not done.  She has been making some meals lately.  That’s been wonderful.  She  has even done some baking, but she didn’t clean up after herself. And now I have all these fattening treats to enjoy.  Bitch.

She finally washed and changed the sheets on my bed, but I did have to sleep a night without any, as they were still in the washer at bedtime.  She is just so easily distracted. She never seems to stick to a task and just “get’er done!”   Now I totally understand since the tasks are never ending and there is little appreciation realized when they are done. But its her responsibility. HER JOB.

Now before you think “must be nice to have a housekeeper at all” or “geez why don’t you fire her”, I’ll let you in on a secret.  Its me!  I’m the housekeeper. AND I’ve been trying to get myself fired for YEARS.  But is not working – apparently there is nobody to replace me.  Somehow my friends have the OCD  housekeepers that put away the mail, wipe up after every spill and even have trained the kids living there to vacuum and tidy without being ASKED!  SERIOUSLY!!  But nope I’m stuck with ME. (and my friends don’t actually have “hired” help either)

I have VERY good intentions,.  Just ask me when I’m in bed, what I’ll be doing the next day.  Oh my house will be spotless and everything will be where it should be. The paint won’t be chipped, the carpets won’t be stained and the smell of homemade bread will permeate the rooms.  The landscaping will be done, the lawn mowed and weeded.   This house would be a show home for Better Homes and Gardens.  Martha Stewart herself would be green with envy.  But then I wake up! Yeah my dreams and intentions are definitely NOT my reality.

Aren’t you supposed to leave your mail IN the mailbox for a week or more until you are ready to sort it?  At least there it isn’t lying on a counter making a mess!

And honestly HOW do you get a teenager to not store half of the kitchen’s dishes and utensils in his room? Even then, the dishwasher and sink are always full and there seems to only be a 30 second window when its all clean.  Because no sooner did you wash the last dish, then a kid comes for another glass of milk and piece of toast! NO – back away from my kitchen. Its clean and I don’t want that blob of jam hitting my floor or that dirty knife anywhere near my sink.  Just back away – I’m STILL holding the mop (well actually I’m not – since its been weeks since I picked it up)

I’ve often thought I should just get disposable dishes.  But I haven’t found a good source for disposable pots and fry pans. So I’m still stuck cleaning up.

And what is the deal with flat surfaces?  Is there a gravitational FORCE in every counter and table top that PULLS every bit of paper and miscellaneous clutter to it and HOLDS it in place with an iron grip.  I swear -I can pick up something from one surface and suddenly find it 5 minutes later on a different surface!  Its like it LEAPS from the recycle bin or trash and dances on the table singing “nah nah nah nah nah, you can’t catch me”

So yeah – I get why my housekeeper just gives up and runs to the computer.  My granny panties are being pulled by the gravitational force in the couch and sits down.  Its a flat surface (the couch, NOT my butt) . Its science – I can’t argue with science.  So I sit and blog about it instead!

And that’s me!