Have you ever thought you were about to die?  I don’t mean the casual, if I don’t get some chocolate NOW, I’m gonna die.  But the real deal.  THIS is it.  My time is up, I’m going to die.  It’s not a pleasant feeling.

After a week straight with some bad headaches I saw a clinic dr.  He sent me to emergency for tests.  He was worried if I could drive.  And didn’t want me to wait an hour to get my daughter from school.  He wanted me to go NOW.   Nothing like having a dr instill fear into you.   I sat in my car in the parking lot, making several phone calls – arranging daycare for my daughter,  cancelling an appt, texting my son, calling my daughter’s school to tell her her aunt will come for her. C’mon -get real – I can’t just drop everything and die right now. I’m a mom – I have stuff to put in order first!

But all the while, my dog is shaking nervously next to me.  WTF?  WHY is HE shaking? I’m the  one who’s head might explode any second.  Or does the dog know something? Does he sense it? That’s it – HE KNOWS – I’m gonna die!  Oh crap.  I better get him home, so that he’s not sitting alone in the van when I die.  He needs to be home where someone can care for him. Who thinks this stuff?  How totally illogical.  But this is what went through my pounding head. So I detour back home on my way to the hospital.

As I’m trying to decide how many hours to plug the emergency parking meter I’m thinking – I’m gonna die today.  My time is up.  So why am I worried about how long to park for?  Seriously?  If I die in 2 hours and paid for 4 what a waste.  But what if it takes a long time – I don’t want a ticket.  Ok – maybe its a good thing my head is going to explode- I’ve gone bat shit crazy.

Part of the issue – is it was EXACTLY, to the day, the same age that DH was when he was rushed to the hospital with a brain hemmorhage and ultimately died.  Talk about irony.  I was FREAKING OUT.   This is how long he had – he wasn’t done living – he didn’t know his time was up.  But here I was, in the hospital with head pain.  OMG.  Dh was conscious and able to talk and laugh with the dr when he first arrived.  So being conscious wasn’t a consolation. My time was coming.  Any moment…

Time for my IV.  I hate needles,  so I begin my deep breathing that my therapists have taught me to use to calm myself.  The nurse is telling me to stop it! That I’ll hyperventilate and pass out.  Hmmm.  I told the nurse if I passed out at least I wouldn’t feel stressed anymore!  She didn’t find me amusing.  I didn’t find it amusing that I’m needle phobic and she had to do my IV twice!

Wait, wait, wait,  Still alive.  hmmm. I think I’m maybe overreacting?!  probably.  But logic is really easy to overpower with insanity!  Texting my son, my best friend – still here!  Time for the CT scan.  This is when DH actually passed out. He never regained consciousness.   Here it comes.  Into the machine, time to die!  THIS IS IT!

I was LOOKING for DH.  Seriously scanning the area thru my closed eyes for his angel to come get me.  Nope not here yet.  Ok, maybe in another minute.  Still looking.  Weird voice.  Was that the technician thru a speaker talking to me?  I’m floating in limbo – I’m almost dead – I’m waiting to be escorted to the afterlife. The technician touches me to get up.  WHAT?! I’m done?!  I’m still here?!  I didn’t die?  HUH. Go figure.

Waiting for results.  Nobody has rushed me to surgery.  I still haven’t passed out.  Maybe I am going to live.  GOOD.  Because I wasn’t ready to die.  I don’t want my kids to be orphans.  I want to see them graduate and get married and have kids.  I have too much left to do.  Dh was robbed of this opportunity, but I NEED to stick around.

Results – I’m completely fine. Really?  I guess the cuckoo crazy part doesn’t show up on these scans! The headaches are likely stress.  Do I have any stress?  HAHA.  Now THAT’S funny!!  I think worrying about dying is stressful! Don’t you?!  Well, try and relax and if it gets worse, come back. Sure no problem.  I’ll come die later. I’ll get back to you with a time.

So, I’m discharged and my ordeal is done.  Thank goodness I had on clean granny panties – you never know when you might end up in the hospital.  (not that anyone saw!)  So I went straight from the hospital to the soccer field.  My son was at practice. I have to pick him up.   I have to be a mom. I have lots to do.  I don’t have time to die.  Not this week at least.

And that’s me. GP

Do you believe in ghosts?  Do you believe in life in a parallel realm?  I do.  I am totally convinced that when our loved ones die, they continue to exist around us.

I always had a passing fascination with the notion, but its like God or Santa – where’s the evidence? How do you expect anyone to believe in something you can’t see or prove?

Several years ago a friend showed me “orbs” in photos. Many would argue its a dust spot on the lens, or a water droplet or dust particle caught by the light.  But I disagree.  Once I became aware of orbs, I looked more closely at them.  This same friend showed me that if you zoom in on them as much as possible, that many of them have a face or are a profile!  And its true!  Also – I have photos taken seconds after each other – some with the orb, some without.  Clearly NOT a dust particle or water moisture. Its a spirit.  I’m sure of that.

When DH died, an aquaintance’s daughter, who is blind and had never even met DH, had a visit from him.  She knew nothing about us and yet she had a couple of messages from him. When she asked him for proof to tell me it was him, he repeated the same word. It baffled her until she told me – it was out pet name for each other.   It was real and I was convinced.

During therapy sessions, for months and months on end, despite the forecast, day of week, or time of day, EVERY session, the sun came out and shone through the window into my eyes.  It was HIM.  It had to be.  There was no other explanation.  And as if to confirm this theory – on the anniversary of his death EACH year – by mid afternoon, the rain will stop, the clouds will part and the sun will shine in a blue sky WHILE we are at the cemetery.  Once we leave – it returns to rain. SERIOUSLY.  Its bizarre, but really cool. Its like he is saying “I’m here for you”

His favourite bird was an eagle.  One really tough day about 6 months after he died, I was sitting outside on the curb, trying to cool my temper.  I was so stressed and upset.  I prayed to him to guide me and give me strength.  An eagle appeared!  And just circled and circled over me.  At that moment it was him. It had to be.

I went to a tea leaf reading a year ago.  The reader was hearing him, and passing on messages  Again, she had information that she had no way of truly knowing.  It was real.

Now I’m obsessed with the show Long island Medium.   I’m so jealous that she gets to hear/see spirits from the other side.  I so want DH to pass me a message.  But then I think, no,  I don’t want a message PASSED to me – I want it MYSELF.  I don’t want someone else to see/hear him.  I want it directly.  He was MY husband. My life time partner.  I MISS him and I want that reassurance directly that he’s here, beside me, supporting me.

I’m always looking into the shadows for signs.  Anytime there is anything wonky with electronics – I wonder – did HE make it happen?  Is he in the room? Does he see me? Can he hear me? Is he happy or mad at me? Is he with my children? Does he go to school with them? or stay with me? is he able to be in numerous places? How does he feel? What does he look like? Is he happy?  Did he suffer when he died?

I have so many questions.  I’ll have to seek out a medium one day.  I want him to talk to me.  I just wish I could hear him again.  I’m forgetting the sound of his voice and laugh.  And that makes me sad.

And that’s me.

I can’t believe its been a month since I’ve been able to post a thing.  I’ve just felt so lost.  I’ve wanted to.  I’ve thought about what I could say.  But nothing seemed to matter.  It all seemed too irrelevant to put to paper.  And honestly who would care?

Yet again October was a hard month.  I’ve felt like I’m just coasting through life, going through the motions, but not really knowing where I’m going.  Just lost.

I can’t really complain about anything specific.  Others have it far worse. And yet I’ve just felt incapable of accomplishing much.  Or don’t feel that what I have to say or have done was worthy of sharing.

So as I’ve bumbled along, I’ve not been as meticulous with my medicines or as good about my morning protein shake.  I’ve been binging on junk.   Sleeping more.  All the things I’m NOT proud of.

I have continued to advocate for my kids like a dog with a bone.  I won’t give up.  And there have been moments of success, that therapists have praised me for.  And yet their praise falls onto my deaf ears.  I don’t want to hear it.  I don’t accept it.  I ‘know’ its sincere and yet it feels fake.  I don’t deserve it.  Wouldn’t any mother do what I’ve done?

So now I’ve passed the 3rd anniversary of DH’s death, and its time to snap out of this fog and get on with it.  To be strong.  To stand tall.  To not feel so lost.  Sigh – and yet if feels like too much work.  There are so many things lying ahead and I’m not sure I have what it takes to get thru it.  And even that makes no sense – as I look back at what I’ve done in the past year alone, much less 3 years should prove that I can do it.  So why do I feel so alone?

Why am I convinced that I’m the only one with these feelings of inadequacy?  It seems the more I talk to others, the more I discover that there is a huge raft of us floating around lost, all convinced EVERYONE else has a map and we are the only ones without it.  But even discovering that so many of us are lost together isn’t reassuring.

My inner voice, drill sergeant, psycho bitch isn’t as loud.  And that fact alone is scary.  I told her to shut up – she listened – NOW WHAT?!  Fuck – I don’t want to listen to MYSELF!! I don’t have a CLUE how to do this thing called life.  Its scary.  I don’t have a map for the future.  I have a vague outline but its confusing and unclear.  I like things to be concrete.  I like to preplan my trip. KNOW where I’m going and how I’m going to get there.  The map I’ve got for the next few months even is barely a sketch.  Its got WAY too much not showing.  I’m going to get Lost.  I’m too tired.  What if something bad happens again? I don’t feel like I can keep doing this battle. Its exhausting.

I’m not sure how or why it seems that others have so much more stamina than I.   Or why I can’t appreciate the magnitude of the changes I’ve made that others would see or say I’ve done. But the fact is I feel totally and helplessly lost.  So I’m going to strip back down to my granny panties and climb back into my bed where I feel safe and secure.

And that’s me. FINALLY.