My insecurities about myself are so huge that I don’t even need others’ opinions – I’ve already decided what you are going to say. I judge myself so harshly that I’m convinced everyone must think that way about me too. And a lot of it revolves around my weight.

I’m not happy about my weight.  I don’t like being fat.  However I do like having friends who struggle with their weight too.  Then I don’t feel alone.  I REALLY like it when I have a friend who is as big or even bigger than I.  I feel more confident that they aren’t judging me.  That they aren’t thinking “what a fat lard ass” or something similar. I *know* that my skinny friends aren’t REALLY thinking that about me, but since *I* am – I project it onto others.

When I lose any weight at all, I feel really empowered.  Like superwoman. Yes look at me – I can lose weight. Aren’t I terrific?  WTG me!  Wahoo!!  It’s my own little happy dance in my head.  However its typically short lived, as I can’t seem to stick to anything.

However -if my friends lose weight, I have a very different reaction.  I’m jealous, angry and resentful.  How dare they lose weight? Now they won’t like me anymore. Now they will realize how pathetic I am because I’m still fat.  Again I *KNOW* it’s not what they are truly thinking – but I think that.  If they regain weight, I’m relieved.  Which is so mean – why can’t I just be happy for them losing?  Why do I get satisfaction out of their failure?  I hate that.  AND  – if I lose weight I assume others will say (and my FIL has, so I guess there is truth) “don’t get used to this, you will likely gain it back.”  So in some ways it has seemed pointless to try.  I’m just going to end up fat again so why bother going thru the cycle.  And if others gain their loss back – it proves that theory right.  And for those who have successfully lost and stay slimmer – they seem to have an obsession of exercise or calories etc.  God – I do NOT want to live like that. But the other part of me is also thinking that THEY are thinking “thank god I work out, or watch what I eat, or I’ll end up looking like GP”  or “if GP just got off her ass, she could look like me too”  And the worst one is “I better not hang out with GP anymore because she’s fat, and I don’t want her bad habits to wreck my hard work”  So as friends lose weight I’m convinced that they will cease being my friend because I’m still fat.  And if I lose weight I’m worried my heavier friends will be thinking that stuff about ME, and I’ll lose them.  And I don’t want to lose them – so I don’t want then to lose weight.

When I’m at a grocery store, I assume everyone is looking at my food choices and judging.  “oh no wonder she’s fat – she’s buying ice cream”  Or “geez there aren’t enough veggies there, that’s why she looks like that”.   And if I see someone with a healthy line up of food, I instantly think “that’s why they look great and I don’t”  But if I see someone else with a bakery cheesecake slice, or cookies, I don’t think anything about it. Well – I might think “mmmm, wish I was getting that!”

The projected judgement extends past food and weight.  Its on everything.  Right now, the biggest ones on my brain are about my ability to teach again and my competence as a parent.  I’ve been so critical and scared.  I’ve kept the truth about a lot of the struggles I’ve had recently a secret from many. I was convinced that my daughter’s struggles and our messed up home life was all my fault.  Only very recently have I been able to accept the real possibility that it was NOT my doing.  And I’ve started to let more know.  In fact NOW I’m afraid that if I don’t let others know what’s been going on, they will assume other things about me, and I’ll be judged incorrectly!  I didn’t want to tell any co-workers what’s happened, in fear of being judged as a bad parent.  NOW I want them to know, so that they will know that I wasn’t just in some lame depression for so long,. . I’ve already decided that THEY feel I won’t be a good teacher anymore and that THEY don’t want me back working with them.  But I feel that by being off work, that they are all thinking I’m useless, lazy and a drain on society.  I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t.  And since basically none of them have even spoken to me in almost a year, I’m only guessing anyways.

And that’s the worst part.  Its ME.  *I* am the one making all these judgements.  Not ONE person has said, I won’t be your friend when you lose weight.  Or now that I’ve lost weight, piss off.  Or you are a drain on society. Or you are a bad parent.  Or you won’t be able to teach again.  It’s all ME saying that.  I convince myself that if someone sees my granny panties in the laundry, that they will laugh at me for wearing them.  That if I hung my panties on the line for the world to see, I would be shunned forever. SIGH.  I need to keep telling myself – if Walmart is selling them in 6 packs – I can’t be the only one wearing them, so what am I hiding?!  who’s judging who?

and that’s me. GP.