I guess if I don’t write long enough, eventually something would happen and I would get my inspiration. Last night I think I may have finally hit my long sought “ah ha” moment.  I have NOT been able to motivate myself to test my blood for diabetes or take my short acting insulin.  I just couldn’t do it.  I’ve been taking my other meds. I’ve been taking the night insulin. But I had this road block.  I couldn’t get around it or over it.  It was this HUGE monumental block. No dr or therapist has been able to get me to concur it.  It had to come from ME, and I couldn’t do it.

I was watching the Biggest Loser as I’ve done in the past.  Seeing these others who are the same or SMALLER than I, pushing themselves and DOING it – yet I’d be on the couch only wishing I had that willpower.  I’d maybe get some water, but I’ve never been able to get to a point of making any changes.  LAST night, as I watched Dr. H tell one patient he stops breathing at night, I thought – I have that – and my apnea is quite bad.  Then he tells another their sugars are off the charts high – hmm I have that too and I dont’ test or eat right either.  Then he said the almighty words that have somehow resounded inside me and made me go ‘ah ha’  – “If you had cancer, would you take 2 hours out of each day to do chemo?”   DUH?! yeah.  Then he said – “this is almost worse – you are VERY VERY SICK and could die at any moment and you don’t recognize it”  HUH!  So true.

People, Dr’s etc have said for years – “you need to take care of yourself” “your kids need you” “you could lose a limb or go blind”.   And all I could say or do was “yeah yeah, I know” but I couldn’t bring myself to DO anything.  I just couldn’t find that inner strength to change.

I have said so many times to various therapists etc, that part of my frustration with depression etc is that nobody GETS the struggle.  I’ve SAID “its not like I have cancer”.  Somehow CANCER seemed more real – more important – more significant – more dangerous, more life threatening.   I’ve never really believed that MY diseases were that bad.  BECAUSE so many people LIVE day to day, years WITH these conditions.  So clearly they aren’t that big a deal.  But CANCER – that’s a big deal.  And I was LUCKY – i didn’t have Cancer so my issues were minor. And yet I am being disabled by them. Unable to live normally. Unable to enjoy life.  BUT unable to make a change.

I suddenly accepted that if the family and close friends who HAVE had cancer could have the surgeries and needles and treatments needed to get better, then I could do what’s needed to get better too. I knew that if I was told I had cancer, I’d do what I was told.  So why were my conditions making respond differently.  I went to bed last night telling myself – MY needles for treatment are much smaller – I don’t need a line installed.  So I can do that!.  MY treatment needs me to test my blood to see what dose of “chemo” I need at each meal.  Most cancer treatments involve lots of blood tests.  MINE can be done AT HOME.  I can do that. I WILL do that!

I woke up this morning with a mindset that I need to treat my diabetes and obesity like CANCER.  NOT to minimize the significance of what cancer has meant to those who HAVE it.  NOT at all.  But suddenly for me – because I respect the SIGNIFICANCE of cancer – I can treat “mine”.  MY treatments will involve blood tests and needles.  If I had cancer I’d suck it up and do it.  So I have to do that now.  MY treatments will involve a diet change – I’m sure MOST cancer patients have had to change how and what they ate, both during and after treatment.  MY treatment will involve exercise that I won’t feel up to doing.  I know MOST cancer patients have felt sick and not up to doing a LOT of things that they had to do.  I will feel exhausted – So do most cancer patients.

SO – for me – my defining moment of the day is treating my illnesses as a treatable Cancer.  Caught in early stages –  that with treatment can be fought and lived with.  I need to focus on each DAY in front of me – or each HOUR.  and get past THAT.  No further.

So today I tested my blood.  I loaded up my second insulin pen with my short acting insulin and took a shot.  I’m having my healthy breakfast.  At lunch I’ll do it again. And again at dinner.  My “chemo” will work.  I MUST do it.  Without it, my cancer will take over my body and kill me and I’m not ready for these granny panties to go to a coffin.  I will BEAT my CANCER and be healthy.

and that’s me.  Ah HA!