I’m sure most of you at some point have had a visitor who outstayed their welcome. It’s frustrating and annoying.  I’d like to describe mine.

For a long time now, my Aunt Flo comes every single month and stays for a few days.  I’ve asked her to not bother visiting, but she doesn’t listen.  She is not an easy houseguest.  She is messy. When she is around, I end up with extra laundry to do, including bedsheets of course.

She makes a huge mess in my bathroom and uses up a ridiculous amount of toilet paper.  Seriously?!  GO HOME!

Days before her arrival, just the mere thought of her impending visit leaves me grouchy and irritable.  By the time she arrives I feel like eating an entire candy store and typically I’ve bloated up 5lbs.

I don’t sleep well while she’s here.  She’s on my mind constantly.  Will she need something?  Typically during her stay I end up with a migraine headache.  So I’m not a great hostess.  You’d think she’d never come back – but she does. Month after month.

I could virtually set a calendar by her visits.  But occasionally she likes to mess me up.  She’ll show up unannounced a day or two earlier than I planned.  Or worse, she’ll drop hints of arriving, but ends up late. Its very stressful waiting and waiting for a guest, trying to be ready for her arrival at any second, and having her just not show.

She doesn’t visit my brothers.  Just me.  Its so not fair. My husband quickly learned to just avoid both of us when she was in town.  She used to visit my mom.  But eventually she stopped going to see her.  Lucky mom.  There are times when I get hints that she might be planning on ending her visits to me.  But I can’t get too excited.  She’s dropping hints that she will just visit with my daughter instead.  You’d think she would be old by now, but she seems to have found the fountain of youth and won’t share the secret.

She must not be a big fan of pregnancy or young babies though.  The only time she avoided me was when I was pregnant with my kids.  However by the time my kids were a year old, she was back.  Bitch!

She also doesn’t seem to be a fan of serious illness or stress.  I once was hospitalized during her visit and BOOM, she left! Didn’t come back for many months!  THANK YOU!! But I’d rather not be sick to have her stay away.

I mentioned my Aunt Flo to my friends.  It seemed everyone has someone like this in their lives too.  Some university friends have a  “friend” named Tom.  He visited everyone in their dorm! Staying with a few girls at a time and then moving on.  He seems to be just as much of a jerk as Aunt Flo is to me. And he has continued his relationship with all of them for years. And nobody has been able to shake him.  He just keeps coming back.   My friend told me that after a few months Tom would visit her and her roommate at the exact same time.  They would end up just sitting watching sad movies, eating popcorn and feeling gross.  I’m surprised he came back – but apparently Tom LIKED that kind of environment as he had the same effect on most of the others in the dorm.

I think Aunt Flo and Tom should hook up and take a very LONG vacation from everyone.  Most times during her visit I end up getting a new pair of Granny Panties; what kind of hostess gift is THAT?!  Not exactly my idea of an ideal houseguest by any definition.  And I’m certainly an ungracious hostess!

So that’s me.GP