Frustration has set in.  I recently joined a support group.  The point of the group was to help everyone to follow and be motivated on a healthy eating nutrition system.  Isagenix.  I’m happy with the product and my success after week one is huge.  But I feel like an outcast.

A few days ago I posted a link here and and asked for comments.  NONE.  I post a success on insulin – TONS of likes etc.  I post another link here. NOTHING.  I post a post on how successful I was. TONS of comments.  I post a question about why a product that’s limited and sells out in a day, isn’t offered longer.  I said I felt manipulated.  Post was removed almost immediately.  NO EXPLANATION or anything.  I felt censored and belittled.  Today I post a legitimate question.  I wanted to gauge the success of this program for people like me.  People who have battled weight all their life.  It was deleted and I was messaged informing me my use of the word FAT is not allowed and only POSITIVE posts were desired.  So I realized I didn’t belong.  I can’t be on a site that censors posts.  To only keep things cheery and peppy is a great idea, but it’s not realistic.  ANY transition will have ups and downs.  To disregard the frustrations, you aren’t acknowledging the journey.  So I post a goodbye post.  AGAIN deleted. IMMEDIATELY.  SERIOUSLY.  WTF.  NOT COOL.  NOT COOL AT ALL.  I just want to belong.  I just want to fit in.

I already doubt my value and my life.  I don’t need total strangers adding to that self doubt and making me think my questions and comments aren’t acceptable.  I’m an educated person.  I don’t just follow along mindlessly.  I ask questions.  I assess situations.  I look at reality.  I’m not a mindless drone willing to accept only positive cheers and likes and think THAT is reality.  C’mon.  EVERYONE has ups and downs and questions.  Not permitting me to be REAL isn’t fair.  So now I need to tackle this somewhat by myself.  I just want to belong.  But again I feel like an outsider.  I’m still the FAT KID unwanted by society.  That’s a pretty tough pill to swallow from a weight loss support group.  THANKS FOR NOTHING.

I’ll take my big baggy granny panties and leave.  I’ll try and reach out to individuals who will accept me and my questions.  I want people in my life who trust my intentions and don’t undermine my own value.  I deserve that.  I just want to belong.

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I did it.  I completed a full week on isagenix.  I massively restricted my daily calories.  I avoided all sugar. I ate small healthy meals.  I drank over 4 Litres of water everyday.  I resisted temptations. I said no to cravings.  I powered  through nearly 4 days of headaches.  I continued trying when I wanted to stop.  I kept taking the ionix when it grossed me out.  I did a cleanse day when I thought I wouldn’t be able to. I reached out for help.  I saw my pain specialist and bravely had 42 needles without crying.

I don’t feel better.  My insulin intake is wayyyy down.  Logically, since I wasn’t saddling my body with bad choices, I would need less.   I’m not sleeping better.  But I didn’t expect too.  My sleep issues are quite possibly out of the scope of this product.  I don’t have any energy.  Again not likely to.  This isn’t touted as a cure for SEID or fibromyalgia.  But I’m not giving up hope.  All I’ve got is HOPE.  I will feel better-one day.

One week of victory.  I did it.

I think everyone at some point in their lives (or several times actually) try to improve their health and lifestyle.  My big challenge has always been my weight. I have plenty to spare.  As far back as I remember, I’ve been fat and struggled with my self image.  I’ve been on all sorts of diets and programs with varying degrees of temporary success.

Am I delusional to think that trying again is a good idea?  EVERY single time, I’ve tried, I’ve ultimately failed.  WHY set myself up again for that?  I can just stay fat and not go through the agony of struggling to achieve a new me.   But I don’t like the current me.  I never have.  So I guess that’s why I keep looking for the miracle that will give me my NEW ME.

I want to be healthier.  I want to lose weight.  I DESPERATELY want energy.  I’m tired of feeling tired.  Having a chronic illness that saps every ounce of energy from your body and leaves you feeling like you have the flu every SINGLE DAY, is EXHAUSTING.  It leaves little energy to focus on new goals.

But I used that tiny ounce of energy that I had and made a leap of faith.  AGAIN.  But this time it WILL be different.  I have someone right beside me doing it too.  I won’t be alone.  I can share defeats and successes.

My first task was to write my goals for wanting to do this.  I thought it would be easy… lose weight… but in my head, deep down, I don’t even care about that anymore.  I’ve managed to maintain my current weight for the past 8 years and enjoy my food.  I was lighter once.  It was ok.  I was healthier.  But I gained it back – I became a failure.  Can I handle the mental mindset? So I can lose weight and gain it back and be a failure or I can not try at all and still be a failure.  I NEED to get out of my head.

My diabetes needs to be better controlled if I’m to live without losing my limbs etc  But again, I’m so sick and in pain these days, that the thought of living a long life seems horrifying.  WHY would I WANT to keep living like THIS?  I hate THIS.  I’m miserable.  But would being on a new lifestyle plan, improve my life?  Can it reduce my pain, my fatigue, and the hoards of side effects that I suffer daily?  If YES, then I’m ALLLLL IN!

So I guess my reason to do this is for HOPE.  I have nothing left to lose.  I have plenty to potentially gain.  So with HOPE for a better and healthier and less pained future, I’m venturing forward.

I’m bitching and whining.  I don’t like eating healthy.  I LOVE my sugars and carbs.  I don’t LIKE being restricted.  Who does?  I’m so used to using food as a comfort that I’m lost and feel stranded when I can’t.  I need to learn new survival methods.

Survival steps

1. DRINK WATER.  lots and lots and lots of water.  and just use bladder pads.  Suck it up.  Nobody else needs to know you’re dripping.
2. TALK it out.  use the support site, use family, use your coach, use your therapist.  See if anyone out there can move you from the funk and out.
3. BLOG it.  Come here.  VENT away.  it won’t hurt anyone.  Nobody has to listen to your whining so you don’t have to bottle it up.  It’s ok to feel frustrated.  This is a life change.  Nothing good is ever easy.
4. STOP watching Food Channel.  It always makes you hungry or crave food.  ALWAYS.  You know it does.  You know that your past with food is NOT actually about hunger.  So don’t tempt yourself.
5. Tell the Drill Sergeant in your head to SHUT UP.  She’s not helping right now.  She’s trying to protect you with old methods that don’t work. Ask yourself – what am I afraid of right now? WHY is the Drill sergeant trying to protect me? RETRAIN your brain.
6. DISTRACTION DISTRACTION DISTRACTION.  Your mind is your worst enemy right now.  You over think everything.  You are always looking for proof that you aren’t good enough.  STOP LOOKING.  Its ALRIGHT to love yourself.  You are AMAZING.  You’ve conquered a hell of a lot in your life.  You’ve overcome massive OBSTACLES that would have crushed many.  YOU CAN DO THIS!!
7. ONE FOOT in FRONT of the OTHER.  ONE STEP at a TIME.   Don’t worry about tomorrow or even 2 hours from now.  Be PRESENT.  RIGHT NOW.  Slow your anxiety and perpetual fears and just focus on  THIS MOMENT.

I think I’ve successfully told myself where I need to be and what i need to do.  So time to go pee AGAIN, so I don’t wet my granny panties AGAIN.  I’ll refill my water AGAIN, so that I can ensure that my bladder will NEVER be empty.  And I’ll work successfully towards a NEW ME.

GP.