It seems I’m destined to cry.  A LOT.  For so long I’ve wept or sobbed tears of grief. Then tears of endless frustration and exhaustion.  Now its seems I am crying over good things.  I’m like a permanent  fountain of tears set to ON.  All the time.

Lately anytime anybody does or says anything good to me or about me, I cry.  I just instantly well up. If I can’t dodge the comment or change the subject I end up crying.  I’m embarrassed.  I feel like I’m being overly sensitive and silly.

I think I’ve struggled so long thinking I was alone, or being negatively judged, that when someone shows compassion and understanding I just burst.  I’m too tired to be strong by myself.  But I’m not willing to believe that others value me or honestly WANT to help.  So whenever it happens I’m overwhelmed by the love and support.  Then WHOOSH. Tears.

They are like a relief I guess.  An outward release.  I’m NOT alone.  I am loved.  I’m not imagining this burden.  It is real.  It is hard.  But I NEED an off switch.  I’m out of kleenex.

I wish I could accept in my heart that my challenges are not a sign of my inadequacies. Each time a family member or friend supports me and points out that its not me, I want to fight it.  Because inside its easier to blame myself than to just accept life as it’s been dealt to me. And now as I’m clawing my way up into the land of the living – I keep getting overwhelmed with the LOVE.  And I have a hard time accepting that love too.  Why would anyone want to love ME?    I’m messed up.  What makes me worthy of their time, love and efforts?

So then because DESPITE me being messed up – I’m being given tidbits or huge chunks of love and my heart melts and LEAKS freaking tears!  So I’m just a crying machine.  I should be given a role on TV as “crying person”  because I have it mastered.  Cry now – OK! Easy.  I just have to think of something sad, something that makes me mad, or something that makes me HAPPY and I can cry.  BOOM.  Open the flood gates!

People talk about tears of joy, and sure we see them at weddings etc.  But honestly – reading an email makes me cry. BOOM.  Or when a friend argues with me that I’m justified being on LTD and not a burden on society. BOOM.  Or that yes dealing with my family’s issues is tough. BOOM.  or seeing my daughter’s smile light up the room as she tries her new dance class. BOOM.  or having a wonderful heart to heart with my son, and seeing his maturity. BOOM.  or realizing just how much I’m considered part of my husband’s family. BOOM.

So hoist up your pants right to your panties, because my tears are leaving puddles everywhere I go.  At least for once it’s tears of love.

And that’s me. GP