I haven’t been able to write anything in nearly 2 weeks.  I’ve opened my blog a  few times, stared at it, and then closed it again.  I couldn’t find the words to express what I wanted to say.

Instead I physically shut down.  I ate. I zoned out. I slept a lot. I had soaks in the bath. Ate some more (and I’m not talking about healthy choices – I’m talking an entire apple pie).  I then berated myself for acting like this.  Then I reminded myself – its important to be kind to myself right now.  So I ate some more because that’s how I comfort myself.  I kept appointments I didn’t feel up to having.  I tried to act strong and faked it.  I didn’t want to see any of them.  I sat on my bed and cried.  I hugged my stuffed animal.  I hugged my dog.  I’d forget my meds.  I slipped further and further from good choices to bad ones.  And the whole time, I kept trying to remind myself. This is temporary.  Be strong.  Be better than this.  Push through it. You CAN make it.  It won’t feel like this every day.

But grief and loss are like this.  And I’ve found myself trying to recognize that and explain it to my kids too.  And remember that my daughter wasn’t really mad about not being able to find the pie crust in the freezer and that’s why she stormed to her room slamming the door.  Or fought and argued about cleaning and said “I hate my life”.  And later was just “sad” and didn’t know why but needed to sleep with me.  Or why my son had a sad vacant look all week and barely talked to me, but spent hours texting a friend.  It’s GRIEF.  And despite the time that has elapsed, the date, the time of year, Thanksgiving etc are all a reminder of what happened to us. And feelings are evoked. Feelings we truly don’t understand because grief isn’t logical.

I had NO idea prior to DH dying just how profound, the feelings of grief can be. So often you hear people talk of “the year of firsts” as if after that year – you’d be all better.  So I felt like such a failure for NOT feeling better after a year.  I’ve been told that sensory awareness, such as the leaves changing colour,  the air getting cold and crisp will trigger my brain to re-live moments.  That we don’t even need to SEE a calendar, but our bodies will KNOW – it’s that time of year – when DH went to hospital and never came home. Thanksgiving 2009, I sat at the family dinner, all of us painfully aware that Dh was fighting for his life and HOPING that NEXT year, he’d be at the table with us.  But he’s not.  So NOW each Thanksgiving marks a very painful time. He died early in the morning after Halloween. So all the candy and costumes, etc mark – “here it comes” THE DATE!

I honestly find this first week of October VERY VERY hard.  DH did apple day with the cubs/scouts on a Sat. He went to work all day Sunday. On the monday, we both went to work and then I rushed around with kid’s activities after dropping Dh off at a cub meeting.That was the last time he spoke to me.  I came to pick him up and he’d already left in an ambulance.  He was never able to talk to me again.  In many ways he died THEN.  He was a shell after that.  He was a body.  He was fighting to live. But it wasn’t truly HIM.  And I grieve that loss.  I never lay in bed with him again.  I never heard his laugh again.  I never saw his cheeky grin again.  He was covered with tubes and wires and machines.  And its still so VIVID.  I can still see it clearly.  And I get mad – it’s been 3 years- c’mon get over it.  But that’s not going to happen.  You can’t “get over it”  You can only learn to accept it. But the acceptance piece is taking a LOT longer than I ever thought possible.

Every single year Apple day happens and my brain thinks “oh oh – here it comes”. then Monday is a cub night.  And my entire body is prickly and sparking with memories of that fateful night.  I was reliving everything the entire week.  I don’t WANT to.  I can’t stop it though.

I keep hearing the wise words from my therapist, saying that its normal and to “be kind to myself”.  So I tried to not let it ‘scare’ me.  Just told myself – its ok – go rest some more. Take a bath.  As I ate and ate -I tried to remind myself – you are just comforting yourself – you will get back on track – this isn’t a permanent slip of behaviour.  But it sure feels like it.

I tried to explain this to my daughter – to help her make sense of what she couldn’t possibly understand.  Even though I don’t understand it either.  I tried to do things, to distract myself, but my brain isn’t interested in a distraction.  Its like there is some sick and twisted part of me that WANTS to go thru this agony every year.   I hosted Thanksgiving dinner this time. I wanted to make it different. But only my in-laws came.  So even THAT didn’t feel very successful.  We all sat there with the elephant in the room that we didn’t dare acknowledge as it would hurt all of us too much. DH wasn’t here and never will be.

Moving forward.  Falling backwards.  Getting up again.  Sitting most of the day in my pjs.  Wearing the same granny panties a couple of days in a row. Then I’d shake my head.  Dust myself off -have a shower, and get nice clean panties out and try again.  Hoping a new day would allow me to forget the past and be in the present.  And for a few hours it might work.  But this journey isn’t over.  Its life long.  I have realized that we will NEVER “get over it” nor do we want to.  That every October we will in some way, hurt on the inside. That our hearts will crack and break a bit again, but hopefully not as deeply as the year before. That our loss is profound and grief is not defined by time.  That it IS time. And Time doesn’t stop. 

and that’s me.  GP.