I can’t believe its been a month since I’ve been able to post a thing.  I’ve just felt so lost.  I’ve wanted to.  I’ve thought about what I could say.  But nothing seemed to matter.  It all seemed too irrelevant to put to paper.  And honestly who would care?

Yet again October was a hard month.  I’ve felt like I’m just coasting through life, going through the motions, but not really knowing where I’m going.  Just lost.

I can’t really complain about anything specific.  Others have it far worse. And yet I’ve just felt incapable of accomplishing much.  Or don’t feel that what I have to say or have done was worthy of sharing.

So as I’ve bumbled along, I’ve not been as meticulous with my medicines or as good about my morning protein shake.  I’ve been binging on junk.   Sleeping more.  All the things I’m NOT proud of.

I have continued to advocate for my kids like a dog with a bone.  I won’t give up.  And there have been moments of success, that therapists have praised me for.  And yet their praise falls onto my deaf ears.  I don’t want to hear it.  I don’t accept it.  I ‘know’ its sincere and yet it feels fake.  I don’t deserve it.  Wouldn’t any mother do what I’ve done?

So now I’ve passed the 3rd anniversary of DH’s death, and its time to snap out of this fog and get on with it.  To be strong.  To stand tall.  To not feel so lost.  Sigh – and yet if feels like too much work.  There are so many things lying ahead and I’m not sure I have what it takes to get thru it.  And even that makes no sense – as I look back at what I’ve done in the past year alone, much less 3 years should prove that I can do it.  So why do I feel so alone?

Why am I convinced that I’m the only one with these feelings of inadequacy?  It seems the more I talk to others, the more I discover that there is a huge raft of us floating around lost, all convinced EVERYONE else has a map and we are the only ones without it.  But even discovering that so many of us are lost together isn’t reassuring.

My inner voice, drill sergeant, psycho bitch isn’t as loud.  And that fact alone is scary.  I told her to shut up – she listened – NOW WHAT?!  Fuck – I don’t want to listen to MYSELF!! I don’t have a CLUE how to do this thing called life.  Its scary.  I don’t have a map for the future.  I have a vague outline but its confusing and unclear.  I like things to be concrete.  I like to preplan my trip. KNOW where I’m going and how I’m going to get there.  The map I’ve got for the next few months even is barely a sketch.  Its got WAY too much not showing.  I’m going to get Lost.  I’m too tired.  What if something bad happens again? I don’t feel like I can keep doing this battle. Its exhausting.

I’m not sure how or why it seems that others have so much more stamina than I.   Or why I can’t appreciate the magnitude of the changes I’ve made that others would see or say I’ve done. But the fact is I feel totally and helplessly lost.  So I’m going to strip back down to my granny panties and climb back into my bed where I feel safe and secure.

And that’s me. FINALLY.