Have you ever thought you were about to die?  I don’t mean the casual, if I don’t get some chocolate NOW, I’m gonna die.  But the real deal.  THIS is it.  My time is up, I’m going to die.  It’s not a pleasant feeling.

After a week straight with some bad headaches I saw a clinic dr.  He sent me to emergency for tests.  He was worried if I could drive.  And didn’t want me to wait an hour to get my daughter from school.  He wanted me to go NOW.   Nothing like having a dr instill fear into you.   I sat in my car in the parking lot, making several phone calls – arranging daycare for my daughter,  cancelling an appt, texting my son, calling my daughter’s school to tell her her aunt will come for her. C’mon -get real – I can’t just drop everything and die right now. I’m a mom – I have stuff to put in order first!

But all the while, my dog is shaking nervously next to me.  WTF?  WHY is HE shaking? I’m the  one who’s head might explode any second.  Or does the dog know something? Does he sense it? That’s it – HE KNOWS – I’m gonna die!  Oh crap.  I better get him home, so that he’s not sitting alone in the van when I die.  He needs to be home where someone can care for him. Who thinks this stuff?  How totally illogical.  But this is what went through my pounding head. So I detour back home on my way to the hospital.

As I’m trying to decide how many hours to plug the emergency parking meter I’m thinking – I’m gonna die today.  My time is up.  So why am I worried about how long to park for?  Seriously?  If I die in 2 hours and paid for 4 what a waste.  But what if it takes a long time – I don’t want a ticket.  Ok – maybe its a good thing my head is going to explode- I’ve gone bat shit crazy.

Part of the issue – is it was EXACTLY, to the day, the same age that DH was when he was rushed to the hospital with a brain hemmorhage and ultimately died.  Talk about irony.  I was FREAKING OUT.   This is how long he had – he wasn’t done living – he didn’t know his time was up.  But here I was, in the hospital with head pain.  OMG.  Dh was conscious and able to talk and laugh with the dr when he first arrived.  So being conscious wasn’t a consolation. My time was coming.  Any moment…

Time for my IV.  I hate needles,  so I begin my deep breathing that my therapists have taught me to use to calm myself.  The nurse is telling me to stop it! That I’ll hyperventilate and pass out.  Hmmm.  I told the nurse if I passed out at least I wouldn’t feel stressed anymore!  She didn’t find me amusing.  I didn’t find it amusing that I’m needle phobic and she had to do my IV twice!

Wait, wait, wait,  Still alive.  hmmm. I think I’m maybe overreacting?!  probably.  But logic is really easy to overpower with insanity!  Texting my son, my best friend – still here!  Time for the CT scan.  This is when DH actually passed out. He never regained consciousness.   Here it comes.  Into the machine, time to die!  THIS IS IT!

I was LOOKING for DH.  Seriously scanning the area thru my closed eyes for his angel to come get me.  Nope not here yet.  Ok, maybe in another minute.  Still looking.  Weird voice.  Was that the technician thru a speaker talking to me?  I’m floating in limbo – I’m almost dead – I’m waiting to be escorted to the afterlife. The technician touches me to get up.  WHAT?! I’m done?!  I’m still here?!  I didn’t die?  HUH. Go figure.

Waiting for results.  Nobody has rushed me to surgery.  I still haven’t passed out.  Maybe I am going to live.  GOOD.  Because I wasn’t ready to die.  I don’t want my kids to be orphans.  I want to see them graduate and get married and have kids.  I have too much left to do.  Dh was robbed of this opportunity, but I NEED to stick around.

Results – I’m completely fine. Really?  I guess the cuckoo crazy part doesn’t show up on these scans! The headaches are likely stress.  Do I have any stress?  HAHA.  Now THAT’S funny!!  I think worrying about dying is stressful! Don’t you?!  Well, try and relax and if it gets worse, come back. Sure no problem.  I’ll come die later. I’ll get back to you with a time.

So, I’m discharged and my ordeal is done.  Thank goodness I had on clean granny panties – you never know when you might end up in the hospital.  (not that anyone saw!)  So I went straight from the hospital to the soccer field.  My son was at practice. I have to pick him up.   I have to be a mom. I have lots to do.  I don’t have time to die.  Not this week at least.

And that’s me. GP