For a couple of days, I haven’t been able to write.  I haven’t found something “inspiring” or “worthy”.  I didn’t want just drivel.  I wanted something more profound.  Today I realized, that I am the only one in my way of finding the profound.  I needed to reach deeper, past the surface and into my heart and truly “see” what’s hiding.

I’ve also been inspired by some of the comments that have appeared on my blog.  To realize that my words, thoughts or ramblings, have impacted others, was exciting.

Exciting because it challenges one of my core beliefs of being a failure and unworthy.  I never believe that I have any value or that my life matters much to others.  I know I have kids and I matter to them.  But when a disgruntled kid tells you “I hate you”, I take it to heart and believe it.  So discovering and allowing myself to believe that my voice and actions matter is exciting. To think that I might have friends or people around me who WANT to be there in spite of my own insecurities is exciting.

I took a risk today.  I impulsively invited a few close friends over for a swim and a BBQ.  I like to be social, but I’m always afraid that I won’t be good enough.  That my house won’t be clean enough, or the situation interesting enough.  Since my husband died 2 years ago, I have rarely had people over.  I’ve been too embarrassed. Too depressed. Too scared to take a risk (even with close friends) to be vulnerable and let them in my home.  All the voices in my head of “you are a failure” “you aren’t good enough” have been too loud.  My husband was someone who lifted me up emotionally and I had more confidence when he was alive.  But since then, its all been on me – I have had to be the one to lift myself up.  And I just haven’t had the strength.  I’ve wanted to, and have had to plan and plan, so that I could be “ready”. and so often, I end up just “not ready yet”.

Today as I was vacuuming the swimming pool, I got thinking.  Thinking that I hadn’t seen enough of my friends lately. (we have a close knit group of several families who’ve kids have grown up together for the past 14 years).  And my kids haven’t seen their friends.  Thinking that we will be leaving for a month of holiday and I won’t see them at all.  So I suddenly thought – I’d love for them to come over and swim and have a BBQ. And today would be a perfect day.

What is so unusual though, is instead of instantly thinking of every excuse why this was a BAD idea – such as the lawn needs mowing, the patio isn’t finished, the house isn’t clean (meaning that there are dishes, laundry and vacuuming to be done!), etc etc etc.  I grabbed my phone.  I went for it.  I took a plunge.  I jumped into the ocean wave, uncertain of what was waiting for me.  I was not exactly confident.  I was hopeful for a moment that, I would in fact have a “party” of my friends/kids.  I was excited at the prospect.

First call = most likely, but later on.   I felt a bit of disappointment that it would be “later”.  Second call = no answer (suspected family out of town for son’s tournament) – More disappointment.  I really wanted to include them.  And also knew that first person was more likely to come if 2nd was there too. Sigh.

Feelings of self doubt and self worth began.  What the hell am I thinking? I can’t host anything.  Nobody is going to want to come here.  But I still braved the waters again.  I made a third call.  And she was going to check with her son and husband but sounded like a definite yes.  Ok – feeling a bit empowered. I got a life vest on.  I can do this.

I called the fourth.  Another Yes, but later on.  Ok, this will happen.  So called back first person to let her know about the others!.  And off to the store I went, excited that i was going to see my friends and host a “pool bbq”.

I now suddenly wanted to be the hostess with everything.  I wanted to be prepared.  I wanted to be worthy.  I didn’t want to let anyone down.  I didn’t want to disappoint.   In years gone by, that would have meant preparing everything from scratch.  I didn’t have time or energy and suddenly I was ok with that.  I’m not sure where that bit of confidence came from.  But I will sure take it.

But by the time I finished shopping I have a text from one saying – nope she has a friend coming over.  What?  Instantly I was crushed.  I was thrown on the shore by my wave and dumped in the sand.  The message in my head was “she’d rather see someone else. She got a better offer.”   But I had to GET UP.  Shake it off.  Dig deeper inside.  check the facts.

I decided Whatever… She doesn’t want to see me, Fine.  don’t.  I’ll see the other 2 families and she won’t.  Her loss.  But there was that inner voice knocking me down.  Saying – bet the others will cancel too.  Nobody really wants to see you.  You aren’t worthy of their time. They will be no shows.

I jumped into my pool and enjoyed the water.  I put on some music outside.  I encouraged my kids (ok I forced my kids) to come outside too.  And we hung outside and waited.  And hoped the others would still come.  I got a text from the out of town one. – was on a ferry and MIGHT come by.  The others still haven’t cancelled.  I remained hopeful. But the voices in my head kept trying to pull me under and drown me.

I didn’t spend my time washing every last dish, wiping down the counters and table and mowing the lawn.  I played in the sun.  I was allowing myself to just BE.

And the 2 families who could come “later” DID!  And we had a great time.  And the ones who were on the ferry came too!  WOW.  honestly I was so pleased.  And I served a simple menu and everyone was happy.  And I wasn’t 2nd guessing my housekeeping status every second.  I just allowed myself to visit.  And it made me happy.

The profound thing was that I TRUSTED my friends with myself AND…  I TRUSTED myself with my friends. Its one thing to hear “we aren’t here to visit your kitchen (house etc), we are here to visit YOU’.  But its hard to believe it.  Society has trained so many women to think that we have to be the perfect hostess etc.  And then it becomes hard to enjoy the company we have.  Tonight I was able to live that.  My friends were here to see ME  They WANTED to come. And I got to visit them.

There is still that horrible voice in my head saying “why would they want to visit you?”  But I took a leap of faith.  A leap of spontaneity and opened myself up.  Made myself truly vulnerable and triumphed.  I honestly think every person, including the kids had a good time.  Nothing was perfect. It was all impromptu.  And it didn’t matter.  Because everyone was there for FRIENDSHIP.

I conquered that voice for a few hours today.  I conquered those beliefs for a brief time.  I took that plunge into the wave of unknown, and came out riding it.  I know that there will be many more waves ahead.  Many more chances to succeed and fail.

But I have to trust that my friends don’t care if my home/life is perfect or if I wear granny panties.  I have to trust that they are my friends because they care about ME.  All of me. Just as I am.  And that’s a profound lesson for me to truly accept.

And that’s me. GP.