Beef and Bouquets


As a child I remember hearing a radio segment called “beefs and bouquets.”  I didn’t really understand what it was about. My mother explained it was a chance for people to leave a complaint or a compliment for someone to hear.  I still didn’t really understand how that had anything to do with steak and flowers but accepted the answer.

I realize now that in that time, pre social media, people still had a need to publicly share thoughts, both good and bad, so the radio was the medium used.  Now with Facebook, our need to publicly advertise or share has moved past compliments and complaints to bitching and bragging!  Not a healthy shift!

Status updates have become the way to share to the world how wonderful your child/partner/pet/life is. We post these highlights as if they are daily occurrences, leaving a delusion to society that our life is filled with unicorns and rainbows.

On the flip side, it has become a place to rant.  To bash, complain, abuse, and mock the things we dislike.  The safety blanket of social media has allowed too many to speak freely without concern for the ramifications of the hurtfulness of their words.  Injuring and scarring many as they go.

So a Facebook follower is left with this artificial world of extremes.  No longer is it a compliment or complaint on a radio show. It’s the augmented and asinine.  Bold and brave versus the badgered and bullied.

I’m guilty too.  In a desperate attempt to feel less like a total failure, I post the wonderful moments.  I savour the likes.  I relish the comments. The more I get, the better I feel.  I let others think I have a ton of friends or that things are going well.  It’s a lot easier to do that then post the dreary daily crap that is really happening. Or admit I can easily go a day or two with no human contact other than my two kids.

Unfortunately people start to believe that our Facebook lives are real.  That the highlights we share are the norm.  We start thinking less of ourselves as we notice all the wonderful shit others have happening.  Believing instead that we’re the only ones living with baggage and turmoil.   Noticing all the comments and likes others have and think they have a life full of great friends.

How many of those Facebook friends do you actually see regularly? Text daily? Or are they simply a cyber friend who occasionally is part of your real day to day contact?

How many of your posts are bragging?  How many are bitching? Is there a purpose? How often do you reveal the honest reality of your day? The days when you feel like a failure? Is your Facebook revealing a realistic picture? Or a touched up version where the imperfections are hidden?

I’ve often practiced the “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” policy, but that tends to leave me posting just the rosy highlights, perpetuating the very fake ideal I’m complaining about.

So I admit here, my life is full of dreary moments, arguments and some successes. I have tons of online friends who if I actually see or talk to once a year in person it’s a miracle.  I wear granny panties and I don’t care.   That’s  me!

 

 

An unwelcome visitor

I’m sure most of you at some point have had a visitor who outstayed their welcome. It’s frustrating and annoying.  I’d like to describe mine.

For a long time now, my Aunt Flo comes every single month and stays for a few days.  I’ve asked her to not bother visiting, but she doesn’t listen.  She is not an easy houseguest.  She is messy. When she is around, I end up with extra laundry to do, including bedsheets of course.

She makes a huge mess in my bathroom and uses up a ridiculous amount of toilet paper.  Seriously?!  GO HOME!

Days before her arrival, just the mere thought of her impending visit leaves me grouchy and irritable.  By the time she arrives I feel like eating an entire candy store and typically I’ve bloated up 5lbs.

I don’t sleep well while she’s here.  She’s on my mind constantly.  Will she need something?  Typically during her stay I end up with a migraine headache.  So I’m not a great hostess.  You’d think she’d never come back – but she does. Month after month.

I could virtually set a calendar by her visits.  But occasionally she likes to mess me up.  She’ll show up unannounced a day or two earlier than I planned.  Or worse, she’ll drop hints of arriving, but ends up late. Its very stressful waiting and waiting for a guest, trying to be ready for her arrival at any second, and having her just not show.

She doesn’t visit my brothers.  Just me.  Its so not fair. My husband quickly learned to just avoid both of us when she was in town.  She used to visit my mom.  But eventually she stopped going to see her.  Lucky mom.  There are times when I get hints that she might be planning on ending her visits to me.  But I can’t get too excited.  She’s dropping hints that she will just visit with my daughter instead.  You’d think she would be old by now, but she seems to have found the fountain of youth and won’t share the secret.

She must not be a big fan of pregnancy or young babies though.  The only time she avoided me was when I was pregnant with my kids.  However by the time my kids were a year old, she was back.  Bitch!

She also doesn’t seem to be a fan of serious illness or stress.  I once was hospitalized during her visit and BOOM, she left! Didn’t come back for many months!  THANK YOU!! But I’d rather not be sick to have her stay away.

I mentioned my Aunt Flo to my friends.  It seemed everyone has someone like this in their lives too.  Some university friends have a  “friend” named Tom.  He visited everyone in their dorm! Staying with a few girls at a time and then moving on.  He seems to be just as much of a jerk as Aunt Flo is to me. And he has continued his relationship with all of them for years. And nobody has been able to shake him.  He just keeps coming back.   My friend told me that after a few months Tom would visit her and her roommate at the exact same time.  They would end up just sitting watching sad movies, eating popcorn and feeling gross.  I’m surprised he came back – but apparently Tom LIKED that kind of environment as he had the same effect on most of the others in the dorm.

I think Aunt Flo and Tom should hook up and take a very LONG vacation from everyone.  Most times during her visit I end up getting a new pair of Granny Panties; what kind of hostess gift is THAT?!  Not exactly my idea of an ideal houseguest by any definition.  And I’m certainly an ungracious hostess!

So that’s me.GP

AH HA Moment

I guess if I don’t write long enough, eventually something would happen and I would get my inspiration. Last night I think I may have finally hit my long sought “ah ha” moment.  I have NOT been able to motivate myself to test my blood for diabetes or take my short acting insulin.  I just couldn’t do it.  I’ve been taking my other meds. I’ve been taking the night insulin. But I had this road block.  I couldn’t get around it or over it.  It was this HUGE monumental block. No dr or therapist has been able to get me to concur it.  It had to come from ME, and I couldn’t do it.

I was watching the Biggest Loser as I’ve done in the past.  Seeing these others who are the same or SMALLER than I, pushing themselves and DOING it – yet I’d be on the couch only wishing I had that willpower.  I’d maybe get some water, but I’ve never been able to get to a point of making any changes.  LAST night, as I watched Dr. H tell one patient he stops breathing at night, I thought – I have that – and my apnea is quite bad.  Then he tells another their sugars are off the charts high – hmm I have that too and I dont’ test or eat right either.  Then he said the almighty words that have somehow resounded inside me and made me go ‘ah ha’  – “If you had cancer, would you take 2 hours out of each day to do chemo?”   DUH?! yeah.  Then he said – “this is almost worse – you are VERY VERY SICK and could die at any moment and you don’t recognize it”  HUH!  So true.

People, Dr’s etc have said for years – “you need to take care of yourself” “your kids need you” “you could lose a limb or go blind”.   And all I could say or do was “yeah yeah, I know” but I couldn’t bring myself to DO anything.  I just couldn’t find that inner strength to change.

I have said so many times to various therapists etc, that part of my frustration with depression etc is that nobody GETS the struggle.  I’ve SAID “its not like I have cancer”.  Somehow CANCER seemed more real – more important – more significant – more dangerous, more life threatening.   I’ve never really believed that MY diseases were that bad.  BECAUSE so many people LIVE day to day, years WITH these conditions.  So clearly they aren’t that big a deal.  But CANCER – that’s a big deal.  And I was LUCKY – i didn’t have Cancer so my issues were minor. And yet I am being disabled by them. Unable to live normally. Unable to enjoy life.  BUT unable to make a change.

I suddenly accepted that if the family and close friends who HAVE had cancer could have the surgeries and needles and treatments needed to get better, then I could do what’s needed to get better too. I knew that if I was told I had cancer, I’d do what I was told.  So why were my conditions making respond differently.  I went to bed last night telling myself – MY needles for treatment are much smaller – I don’t need a line installed.  So I can do that!.  MY treatment needs me to test my blood to see what dose of “chemo” I need at each meal.  Most cancer treatments involve lots of blood tests.  MINE can be done AT HOME.  I can do that. I WILL do that!

I woke up this morning with a mindset that I need to treat my diabetes and obesity like CANCER.  NOT to minimize the significance of what cancer has meant to those who HAVE it.  NOT at all.  But suddenly for me – because I respect the SIGNIFICANCE of cancer – I can treat “mine”.  MY treatments will involve blood tests and needles.  If I had cancer I’d suck it up and do it.  So I have to do that now.  MY treatments will involve a diet change – I’m sure MOST cancer patients have had to change how and what they ate, both during and after treatment.  MY treatment will involve exercise that I won’t feel up to doing.  I know MOST cancer patients have felt sick and not up to doing a LOT of things that they had to do.  I will feel exhausted – So do most cancer patients.

SO – for me – my defining moment of the day is treating my illnesses as a treatable Cancer.  Caught in early stages –  that with treatment can be fought and lived with.  I need to focus on each DAY in front of me – or each HOUR.  and get past THAT.  No further.

So today I tested my blood.  I loaded up my second insulin pen with my short acting insulin and took a shot.  I’m having my healthy breakfast.  At lunch I’ll do it again. And again at dinner.  My “chemo” will work.  I MUST do it.  Without it, my cancer will take over my body and kill me and I’m not ready for these granny panties to go to a coffin.  I will BEAT my CANCER and be healthy.

and that’s me.  Ah HA!

Grief and Loss

I haven’t been able to write anything in nearly 2 weeks.  I’ve opened my blog a  few times, stared at it, and then closed it again.  I couldn’t find the words to express what I wanted to say.

Instead I physically shut down.  I ate. I zoned out. I slept a lot. I had soaks in the bath. Ate some more (and I’m not talking about healthy choices – I’m talking an entire apple pie).  I then berated myself for acting like this.  Then I reminded myself – its important to be kind to myself right now.  So I ate some more because that’s how I comfort myself.  I kept appointments I didn’t feel up to having.  I tried to act strong and faked it.  I didn’t want to see any of them.  I sat on my bed and cried.  I hugged my stuffed animal.  I hugged my dog.  I’d forget my meds.  I slipped further and further from good choices to bad ones.  And the whole time, I kept trying to remind myself. This is temporary.  Be strong.  Be better than this.  Push through it. You CAN make it.  It won’t feel like this every day.

But grief and loss are like this.  And I’ve found myself trying to recognize that and explain it to my kids too.  And remember that my daughter wasn’t really mad about not being able to find the pie crust in the freezer and that’s why she stormed to her room slamming the door.  Or fought and argued about cleaning and said “I hate my life”.  And later was just “sad” and didn’t know why but needed to sleep with me.  Or why my son had a sad vacant look all week and barely talked to me, but spent hours texting a friend.  It’s GRIEF.  And despite the time that has elapsed, the date, the time of year, Thanksgiving etc are all a reminder of what happened to us. And feelings are evoked. Feelings we truly don’t understand because grief isn’t logical.

I had NO idea prior to DH dying just how profound, the feelings of grief can be. So often you hear people talk of “the year of firsts” as if after that year – you’d be all better.  So I felt like such a failure for NOT feeling better after a year.  I’ve been told that sensory awareness, such as the leaves changing colour,  the air getting cold and crisp will trigger my brain to re-live moments.  That we don’t even need to SEE a calendar, but our bodies will KNOW – it’s that time of year – when DH went to hospital and never came home. Thanksgiving 2009, I sat at the family dinner, all of us painfully aware that Dh was fighting for his life and HOPING that NEXT year, he’d be at the table with us.  But he’s not.  So NOW each Thanksgiving marks a very painful time. He died early in the morning after Halloween. So all the candy and costumes, etc mark – “here it comes” THE DATE!

I honestly find this first week of October VERY VERY hard.  DH did apple day with the cubs/scouts on a Sat. He went to work all day Sunday. On the monday, we both went to work and then I rushed around with kid’s activities after dropping Dh off at a cub meeting.That was the last time he spoke to me.  I came to pick him up and he’d already left in an ambulance.  He was never able to talk to me again.  In many ways he died THEN.  He was a shell after that.  He was a body.  He was fighting to live. But it wasn’t truly HIM.  And I grieve that loss.  I never lay in bed with him again.  I never heard his laugh again.  I never saw his cheeky grin again.  He was covered with tubes and wires and machines.  And its still so VIVID.  I can still see it clearly.  And I get mad – it’s been 3 years- c’mon get over it.  But that’s not going to happen.  You can’t “get over it”  You can only learn to accept it. But the acceptance piece is taking a LOT longer than I ever thought possible.

Every single year Apple day happens and my brain thinks “oh oh – here it comes”. then Monday is a cub night.  And my entire body is prickly and sparking with memories of that fateful night.  I was reliving everything the entire week.  I don’t WANT to.  I can’t stop it though.

I keep hearing the wise words from my therapist, saying that its normal and to “be kind to myself”.  So I tried to not let it ‘scare’ me.  Just told myself – its ok – go rest some more. Take a bath.  As I ate and ate -I tried to remind myself – you are just comforting yourself – you will get back on track – this isn’t a permanent slip of behaviour.  But it sure feels like it.

I tried to explain this to my daughter – to help her make sense of what she couldn’t possibly understand.  Even though I don’t understand it either.  I tried to do things, to distract myself, but my brain isn’t interested in a distraction.  Its like there is some sick and twisted part of me that WANTS to go thru this agony every year.   I hosted Thanksgiving dinner this time. I wanted to make it different. But only my in-laws came.  So even THAT didn’t feel very successful.  We all sat there with the elephant in the room that we didn’t dare acknowledge as it would hurt all of us too much. DH wasn’t here and never will be.

Moving forward.  Falling backwards.  Getting up again.  Sitting most of the day in my pjs.  Wearing the same granny panties a couple of days in a row. Then I’d shake my head.  Dust myself off -have a shower, and get nice clean panties out and try again.  Hoping a new day would allow me to forget the past and be in the present.  And for a few hours it might work.  But this journey isn’t over.  Its life long.  I have realized that we will NEVER “get over it” nor do we want to.  That every October we will in some way, hurt on the inside. That our hearts will crack and break a bit again, but hopefully not as deeply as the year before. That our loss is profound and grief is not defined by time.  That it IS time. And Time doesn’t stop. 

and that’s me.  GP.

Life’s curiousities.

I’ll admit it right now, I’m in a weird mood today. Not peppy, not energetic, not glum, not humdrum.  I wanted to write something, but nothing too deep.  I don’t feel like making my brain work too much.  And then I started having all these random questions pop into my head.  The ones that make you go hmmm?

Why do you need to go pee as soon as you move from the pool into the hot tub? or as soon as you HEAR water running or see waterfalls?  What scientific property is triggering our bladder to say  – yup Right NOW would be good!?

Why is it that our perfectly quiet, occupied with their tv show kid, suddenly needs our full attention the second we get on the phone?  And this skill seems to be developed at birth and merely perfected as they mature.

And speaking of being on the phone, please tell me I’m not the only one who will secretly go to the bathroom, during a phone call, making a loud noise or cough to muffle the flush sound, because I “HAD TO GO NOW” and didn’t want to be “rude” and end the call? I’m not alone on this right? Oh please smile and nod, and admit you do too.

Why does food always fall on my my large “bosum” (or shelving unit as my best friend dubbed it)?  Putting a napkin in my lap is useless, nothing gets that far down!  It lands LOOONG before reaching any napkin. And nobody else is wearing their napkin like a bib, so I kind of feel like a loser if I try.  And why does can’t chocolate land on a dark shirt? why does it have to land on the WHITE part?  KWIM? And if I have a jacket or sweater with me, I don’t spill at all – its when I have NOTHING to cover it and a place to go – that SPLOP. bullseye! We have a stain folks!

Why could my DH drive the car with his music cranked and enjoy the scenery, but I have to play 20 questions with my children?  I’ve TRIED putting the music on and that just gets the “MOMMMM” louder.  I asked me kids that very question once – they told me – “well Dad just ignores us”.  GRRRR.  Somehow my Mommy brain doesn’t do well with that. Not fair. And now that they are older, the music is a source of a fight – and trying the “but I’m the driver” trump card doesn’t go well.

Why is it when you have a day off, and time to sleep in, you wake up early?  I don’t get the urge to wake up early when the alarm is set. Why is my circadian clock messing with me?

I’m also secretly hoping that I’m not the only person, who has released a fart in an empty grocery aisle and then hightailed my granny panties and shopping cart about 2 rows away so not to get CAUGHT! fart In church you are trapped and have to somehow hold that fart in, but c’mon, don’t you wish you could just let her rip?  Imagine the reaction!? LOL –    All those granny panty grey haired old biddies, absolutely HORRIFIED because after all they don’t have bodily functions.  WHATEVER.

Clearly my mind needs something else to focus on. I guess I should go get dressed. As comfy as lounging in my PJ’s is, murphy’s law says that NOW will be when somebody decides to show up at my door.  Ok,  I’m off in search of my wonderfully comfortable, well fitting granny panties, and you my friends can ponder on why there is braille on the drive up ATM window. (because all the blind drivers I know need one  – NOT!)

And that’s me. GP.

 

Housework

I definitely need a new housekeeper.  My current one is just NOT getting the job done at all.  It seems she spends all her time sleeping, or sitting at the computer, trolling Facebook, pinterest or playing solitaire.  She has absolutely NO work ethic at all.  She is a nice enough person,quite social in fact,  but just doesn’t seem to have any gumption.  In a full day, she might accomplish a couple loads of laundry or maybe load the dishwasher and wipe the counters.  She has been saying for WEEKS that she will clean the kitchen floor, and yet as of today – STILL not done.  She has been making some meals lately.  That’s been wonderful.  She  has even done some baking, but she didn’t clean up after herself. And now I have all these fattening treats to enjoy.  Bitch.

She finally washed and changed the sheets on my bed, but I did have to sleep a night without any, as they were still in the washer at bedtime.  She is just so easily distracted. She never seems to stick to a task and just “get’er done!”   Now I totally understand since the tasks are never ending and there is little appreciation realized when they are done. But its her responsibility. HER JOB.

Now before you think “must be nice to have a housekeeper at all” or “geez why don’t you fire her”, I’ll let you in on a secret.  Its me!  I’m the housekeeper. AND I’ve been trying to get myself fired for YEARS.  But is not working – apparently there is nobody to replace me.  Somehow my friends have the OCD  housekeepers that put away the mail, wipe up after every spill and even have trained the kids living there to vacuum and tidy without being ASKED!  SERIOUSLY!!  But nope I’m stuck with ME. (and my friends don’t actually have “hired” help either)

I have VERY good intentions,.  Just ask me when I’m in bed, what I’ll be doing the next day.  Oh my house will be spotless and everything will be where it should be. The paint won’t be chipped, the carpets won’t be stained and the smell of homemade bread will permeate the rooms.  The landscaping will be done, the lawn mowed and weeded.   This house would be a show home for Better Homes and Gardens.  Martha Stewart herself would be green with envy.  But then I wake up! Yeah my dreams and intentions are definitely NOT my reality.

Aren’t you supposed to leave your mail IN the mailbox for a week or more until you are ready to sort it?  At least there it isn’t lying on a counter making a mess!

And honestly HOW do you get a teenager to not store half of the kitchen’s dishes and utensils in his room? Even then, the dishwasher and sink are always full and there seems to only be a 30 second window when its all clean.  Because no sooner did you wash the last dish, then a kid comes for another glass of milk and piece of toast! NO – back away from my kitchen. Its clean and I don’t want that blob of jam hitting my floor or that dirty knife anywhere near my sink.  Just back away – I’m STILL holding the mop (well actually I’m not – since its been weeks since I picked it up)

I’ve often thought I should just get disposable dishes.  But I haven’t found a good source for disposable pots and fry pans. So I’m still stuck cleaning up.

And what is the deal with flat surfaces?  Is there a gravitational FORCE in every counter and table top that PULLS every bit of paper and miscellaneous clutter to it and HOLDS it in place with an iron grip.  I swear -I can pick up something from one surface and suddenly find it 5 minutes later on a different surface!  Its like it LEAPS from the recycle bin or trash and dances on the table singing “nah nah nah nah nah, you can’t catch me”

So yeah – I get why my housekeeper just gives up and runs to the computer.  My granny panties are being pulled by the gravitational force in the couch and sits down.  Its a flat surface (the couch, NOT my butt) . Its science – I can’t argue with science.  So I sit and blog about it instead!

And that’s me!

Food.

I LOVE FOOD!  Pure and simple.  I hear the line “Food, glorious food” from the musical Oliver, running on a never ending loop in my brain.  Food is enticing; food is comforting; food is stimulating; food is exhilarating.

I can sit and dream of food.  As I drive, everywhere I go, I see restaurants and then imagine the taste of each tempting morsel that they would make.  And I don’t have to be the least bit hungry.  I can sit on Pinterest for hours looking at images of delectable food creations and want to make every single one. RIGHT NOW.  I can easily flip from wanting savory to salty to sweet to sour in a matter of minutes. I can go from wanting a juicy steak, to cheesecake to Baileys to a milkshake.  Mmmm ok how about a steak dinner with a Baileys milkshake and cheesecake for dessert.  Oh with grilled asparagus, crab and bearnaise, garlic mashed potatoes, and a cocktail, mmm OMG – now I want that! And I repeat I don’t have to be hungry.

In fact that is the biggest issue.  I can be completely full and STILL want food because I want the TASTE and TEXTURE of it.  I will start craving certain foods and NOTHING else will satisfy.  Because its not about being hungry. Those without food issues will not get this obsession.

I said once to a group of women on all weight loss protein shakes, that I was tempted to just “chew the food, and then spit it out instead of swallowing it”.  One lady understood me instantly.  She would have been right there with me spitting like a bunch of guys with chewing tobacco.  However another lady was appalled.  “Isn’t that just like throwing up?”.  Hell NO!  I don’t intend to swallow it!!

Another lady suggested “well why don’t you have some veggies ready to snack on instead?”  DUHH WHAT?!  Let me make this clear – I’m not actually HUNGRY.  And trust me – I don’t CRAVE carrots and celery.  EVER.  The day I do, I’ll be more than happy to satisfy that craving!  I’m talking about craving a 7 layer cake made of brownies, cheese cake, and chocolate chip cookies.S'More Cake

There isn’t a vegetable on this planet that will replace my desire for this cake!  I could eat every veggie or piece of fruit til I was exploding at the seams and then some – and guess what – I’ll STILL WANT THE CAKE!

Yup.  Because its about savouring that thick chewy brownie and allowing that creamy cheesecake to melt on my tonuge, while enjoying that crunch of the cookie.  From this description you’d think I’d had this cake before wouldn’t you?  NOPE.  never.  I saw it yesterday on pinterest for the first time and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Potlucks and Buffets are hellish.  I want EVERYTHING there.  I go from dish to dish thinking “oh yes, I want that, and that, oh and that.  mmmm MUST have THAT!”  til my plate is overflowing.  Then I HAVE to go back with another plate for all the things I either missed the first round, or LOVED so much I must have MORE.  “please sir, can I have some more?”   MOOOORE?!  (oliver, oliver, never before has a boy wanted more).  But then I get full.  Damn it – there was more food to try.  And I walk away stuffed beyond comfort and totally UNSATISFIED.  Unsatisfied because I couldn’t consume every dish that was calling to me.

So I will spend days, THINKING about the foods I didn’t get to try.  Dreaming of a chance to go back and have them.  Meanwhile berating myself for being such a glutton and reminding myself “this is why you are overweight”

I’ve been to dieticians and nutritionists.  I KNOW what a balanced, healthy diet looks like.  I’m perfectly aware of what the right choices would be.  But that doesn’t address my food “issues”.   Foods consumed in the dark with nobody watching don’t count right?  If you eat the ice-cream directly out of the container, or just trim a 1/4″ strip off the edge of the cake, or just take a few more bites of the leftover applecrisp – NOBODY will know.  RIGHT?!  If you smuggle the frozen shortbread or Christmas nuts/bolts just a few times over the year – NOBODY will remember how many were there to start with. Right? However when Christmas rolls around the following year and the once full container of nuts and bolts has barely any left, it DOES become kinda obvious.  Hmmm.  I think SOMEBODY noticed.

I’ve been obsessed with food since I was young. Sneaking a cookie and running to the bathroom to eat it or keeping a spoon hidden in the bookcase opposite the deep freezer, to make a quick ice-cream snitch that much quicker, HAPPENED. FREQUENTLY.   I remember lurking under the stairs or being “trapped” in the shower stall of the basement ensuite, while my mum did laundry in the room next door, or risk being caught red handed with an illicit food item.  And you can’t casually emerge from under the stairs without attracting attention to yourself.  So you wait. And Damn it, she’s FOLDING the entire load NOW. Oh mannnn. How long will I have to hide?

My Mum tried a cookie diet.  9 special lemon cookies instead of the meal.  Oh I soooo wanted to do that diet too.  I was the fat kid.  I needed to lose weight.  I was teased plenty.  I was always seeking some solution to losing weight. When I first learned about anorexia and bulimia, I became fascinated with it.  I thought it would be a cool way to lose weight.  It took several years to have the will power to self induce vomiting, but I learned how. I was pleased with myself.  And in university I tried to cut out food.  But I just couldn’t.  So I binged and purged instead. Much more satisfying, cause I got to eat. but it’s not a great pattern – esp. when you pass out in your own bathroom.  Although I have to share – if you puke right away – the food isn’t digested so its not like vomit – it still tastes food – except ice cream – that’s just gross.  TMI.  I know I know.  So I’ve learned – don’t binge on ice cream.  No, seriously – I don’t purge anymore.  But I do binge. People who say – “oh one chocolate or one cookie is plenty” have NO CLUE.  There is NO SUCH THING as ENOUGH.

Food is an obsession.  Weight watchers worked for a while, but they don’t address the disordered eating side.  Most “diets” don’t address them.  Instead I need to find the role food is playing in my mind.  WHY is it comforting?  WHY do the tastes and textures  give me such satisfaction(which is why apple pie gum – does NOT help me – I just want pie even more)?  What does food represent to me?  How do I move past my long established relationship with food, and establish a healthy one?

I’m working at it.  I’m making steps each day in the right direction.  But each time I falter from my “plan” or “goal”  I get angry and frustrated. I get all the “you failed, you suck, you cheated” messages.  And then I want to comfort myself even more with “bad” choices. I LOVE FOOD.

So even as I sit here, totally full from my protein shake, I’m dreaming of “what would I eat next if I could have anything?”  http://richriley.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Vi-Shape.jpgThe shakes work – I’ve lost weight and inches.  I’m “craving” sweets less often. My blood sugars have dropped.  I’ve chosen SALAD at restaurants over steak a few times recently. That’s unheard of  – TRUST ME!. I drink more water esp when I crave food.  So I know that I’m inching my way towards healthier ways. But I’m a long way from having my granny panties falling off from being too big.

So I’m going to go back to my recipe books and dream of more food. Because at least dreaming isn’t as damaging as eating. And when its time for my next meal I’ll try and choose a shake instead of caving into my desire to have something mouthwatering, fattening and much more satisfying. MMMMM FOOD.  How I love you.

And that’s me. GP.

 

A photo inspiration montage.

As I spend way too many precious hours perusing Pinterest, I find little gems.  I have a whole board of pins of quotes.  Some are just goofy.  Many parallel my sarcastic outlook on life, and others are pure inspiration and reminders of what life can be.

I know I have a very pessimistic view on things.  That I dwell on the negatives. That I put  myself down pretty much every waking moment.  But when I pause and read these inspirational qutoes, I’m able to stop the recorded loop of crap in my brain.  Even if its just for a second – and I can think YES, that’s right.  Or that’s what I’ll become. Or even have HOPE for a while that my future will be something much brighter than it currently seems.

Pinned Image

The first is simply about my writing.  I love how creating this blog has freed my mind of some of the thinking traps and allowed me to publicly question  my thoughts.

The next few I was instantly drawn to because of the ocean or water aspect.  They bring me right back to my opening blog about the storm of my life.  And how things are changing.  <3

Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean that you aren't headed for sunshine.God knows

I get so frustrated trying to tell people what I’m experiencing, or dealing with and knowing they just have NO CLUE. https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/545278_4232053159360_876098963_n.jpgAnd really think that their pat answer or pithy response will help. It often just leaves me feeling worse or MORE isolated.  So I need to really keep these messages in my heart.

 

The next few I cherish because they remind me to look for the good, and that each day is what I make of it.  Their messages help me re-frame the “all or nothing” thinking into something more realistic and less foreboding. That perhaps I need to give myself more credit and respect myself more.  And I think that the mere fact that these are even printed suggests that others need this reminder too –  which is another important reminder to myself, as I often think that I’m the ONLY one ever thinking this shit about myself or my life.

True...

Let this be a source of encouragement for you today. :) (Click on the image to see more!)

There are so many more that I have.  But this seems like a lot of wisdom in a small space.  I intend to go back and read this each day, so that I can start with a smile.  roflol

And just because I really can’t end a post without some crazy reference to my underwear of choice…here is yet another reason I choose to wear Granny Panties. I do hope you don’t find yourself in the same predicament when presented with a thong! Remember the term FLIP FLOP!  (and NO that isn’t a reference to my boobs!!)

And that’s me! GP

Allergies and Peanut Butter

As a kid I knew of ONE child who had allergies.  She was allergic to dust and pet hair. Her room was a sterile environment.  She wasn’t allowed any books or toys that could collect dust. No stuffies, no rugs, etc.  She wasn’t allowed to my house because we had pets. And at Guide camps she sure suffered when everyone brought out their dusty foam mattresses, old sleeping bags as we slept in ancient canvas tents.  She was a sniffling sneezing mess.  I felt so sorry for her.

I wasn’t aware that the reason we always had ham and turkey at Christmas was because my aunt was allergic to turkey.  As I grew older I discovered my Grandma was allergic to Shellfish.  But it wasn’t a big deal. I’d never heard of an epipen or life-threatening reactions.

Allergies just weren’t talked about.   At 7 when I got my ears pierced, we diligently used the ear care cleaner in the pink bottle.  By day 2, I was covered in bright red, itchy welts. 

 

I took a bath in baking soda.  My mum said I was likely allergic to something in the ear care stuff and we stopped using it.  In my early teens I got mega itchy and a dot like rash every time I swam in a pool. Again Mum said – probably allergic to chlorine.  Anytime I was around cigarette smoke, I’d get congested, have a hard time breathing etc. I guessed maybe an allergy?  At 17 I reacted to a penicillin medication with the same red itchy welts I’d had 10 years earlier. And the Dr said – likely an allergic reaction. I had some allergy testing done in my early 20’s.  They didn’t test most of the above items – instead it was revealed that I’m allergic to clover (ahh, now it makes sense why when people mow their lawns I get sneezy and stuffy) and tomato (now that rash on my hands I got each time I did tomato prep at the sandwich deli made sense).  

I basically thought allergies meant that you would end up itchy and sneezing.  Nothing life threatening. Just inconvenient. (It never occurred to me that my stomach issues might be related to EATING tomato)

 

During my university years, a classmate was suddenly hospitalized.  She was making peanut butter cookies and suddenly couldn’t breathe.  She’d made them zillions of times in the past.  Turns out she was now allergic to peanut butter.  Now she had to carry an epipen.   My husband and one of his brothers both developed an allergy to dust and pet fur in their late 30’s. They both could just suffer thru it. But how can someone just suddenly become allergic?  And to the point of being life threatening?  It doesn’t make sense?

But now as a teacher and parent, I encounter life threatening allergies with kids all the time.  There isn’t a pre-school, elementary class, cub group etc, that doesn’t have someone majorly allergic to something.  Epipens are common.

I know kids with major allergies to nuts, peanuts, wasps, eggs, dairy, even mustard. This is in addition to all the wasp, dust, feather, pet, etc allergies.

HOW did our society end up so allergic?  Is our environment so toxic our bodies are rebelling?  or is it our endless use of disinfectants etc causing a reverse response, to the point of rejecting our basic surroundings? Is our food so processed that we can’t handle it anymore?

Lets face it, eggs and dairy and nuts and feathers and pets have been around for centuries.  And yet there isn’t story after story of someone’s great grandpa just dropping dead at the dinner table because he couldn’t breathe after eating something.  Or not able to work in the field or barn because they were sneezing too much.  So WHAT HAPPENED?  Its radically changed in my 40 years.

EpiPen

My own daughter now has an epipen.  She was stung by a wasp in June.  She has been stung 2 other times and never reacted at all.  But this time, her face swelled up. You couldn’t see her bottom lip because the top one protruded so much. One eye was nearly swollen closed.  “likely an allergy, better carry an epipen in case the next time is worse”.   Are we over-reacting?  Part of me thinks yes, and yet the part of me that doesn’t want my daughter to suffer – says NO, so we have the epipen.

However, do I think its right to ban peanut products in schools etc? NO I don’t!!  Do I want another child to die? Of course not.  But does that child have the right to dictate what my kid can have for lunch? I don’t think so.  My son has an allergy to dust (as do many).  But did the school rip out their ancient chalk boards? NO.  He and all the asthma suffers (and THAT never was around when I was a kid either), all have to suffer.  Can you ban all the wasps from flying around the playground? NO.  If my kid had a wheat allergy would you ban sandwiches? NO.  If my kid had a dairy allergy would everyone be told – don’t bring milk for lunch? NO.  But for some reason Peanut butter is special!  And I think its a bunch of BULL!

Banning peanut butter isn’t making the school safe.  If my kid eats PB for breakfast and doesn’t wash her hands, or brush her teeth, there is still a trace amount of it on her fingers or breath.  So IF your child is sensitive to the smell or to trace amounts, banning it from the school, hasn’t protected her has it? My child might use the monkey bars.  Or worse my child might sit and read a library book AT HOME, while enjoying her PB&J, AT HOME. That book may now be contaminated!  And since your kid may borrow that book – I guess he could die?  So I guess we better ban library books from going home too? c’mon… Where does it end?

For years, my very sensitive picky eater ate virtually NO protein products AT ALL.  Trying to feed her has been beyond frustrating and challenging.  Peanut butter has been ONE staple.  Often it was the ONLY protein she would consume.  (and I mean the ONLY one!).

So if I complied with the “no peanut butter” rule, my child’s health and nutrition would be severely impaired. My son at one point was on a mega high fibre diet.  He couldn’t just substitute ham in his sandwich for the peanut butter. (as I was told by the school) Ham had no fibre, his PB had 2 grams.  His jam had 1.  There was 3 extra grams of fibre I was getting into him. His granola bar had 5 grams. (but it had nuts and I was being told NO to that too)  It was for his health. He had a medical condition.  But the allergy kid’s rights were trumping my kids’ rights.  I don’t think so! I was told, just feed him the fibre stuff at home. WHAT?!  Really?

You want me to get 35 grams of fibre into my child via 2 meals?  uhhh NOOOO.  It needed to be given evenly throughout his day.  I stood my ground. I was the enemy.  I was inconsiderate.  I apparently wanted kids to die.  NO I didn’t.  But I wasn’t going to let someone’s allergy bully me.

I have NO issue if you want MY kid to eat their life threatening PB sandwich in a separate area.  I have told my kids – WASH your hands VERY carefully.  Don’t touch anything with dirty fingers or let your food touch anything. Ask if anyone around has an allergy.  BE CONSIDERATE.  I’m trying to raise Allergy aware kids. Not assassins.

I get that the mother of a peanut allergy kid is freaked out every time she lets her kid venture out into his day, concerned he might react or die.  But that child too, has to learn that this world is a risky environment and to be cautious.  Carry and USE the epipen if needed.

The mom of a girl who is very allergic to mustard (which is in some cheese – did you know that?) AGREES with me.  She didn’t insist on hot dog days being banned because some kids want mustard on them.  NO. She didn’t think that was reasonable.  Instead her daughter is just MEGA careful.  To me this makes sense.

So I will continue to send my kids with their PB sandwiches or granola bars with NUTS.  We will not substitute the highly sugary Nutella spread instead of Peanut butter.  We tried almond butter – my kids didn’t like it – but using Nutella or almond butter doesn’t help the kid with the tree nut allergy anyways.  This month my daughter is a lunch monitor in a class with a kindergarten child allergic to peanut butter. I’m in dilemma.  My child is CHOOSING to lunch monitor.  She didn’t choose that class.  That 5 yr old is NEW to school and probably not as aware of safety.  So I’m thinking for the ONE month she is in this class, I won’t send peanut butter.  Or maybe I will and tell her to eat it at recess?  I dunno. I haven’t decided what’s best.

I’m not out to kill anyone.  I’m a good person.  I’m a considerate person.  I don’t want ANY child to suffer.  Including MINE!

And that’s me! GP.

 

Scrapbooking Tips.

Last week I was at Michael’s buying a few scrapbooking supplies and the lady in front of me asked “What advice you would give a brand new scrapbooker?”

GREAT Question. I instantly gave her the advice “don’t over analyze your page.  You will be your worst critic. Just leave it. Its better on the page than in a box.”    I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to redo a page or am just “not happy with it” but have left it.  It may not be great or a work of art, but those photos are now out of the box.

Then I added “Let your photos be the focus, don’t overdo it with stickers and embellishments”.  Its easy as a beginner to be sticker happy in an attempt to make it fancy. Its just clutter. I’ve been guilty of it and I’m usually even more disappointed in the result

As she was paying for her purchase, my mind kept racing with ideas to share.  I called out one more “don’t be overwhelmed with the magazine pictures.  You don’t have to make each page a work of art.”  At that moment the lady behind me said “that is such fabulous advice.”  And I was struck with a thought – maybe I am better at this then I give myself credit for. I’ve been scrapping for 11 years, but I don’t think of myself as that good.

So the entire way to my destination I was thinking – If I was to teach a scrapbooking class – what would it look like? What would I say? What would the focus be? But I also realized that I’ve already helped at least 4 others, become scrapbookers. Each with their own style.

I don’t take classes – I’ve done a couple of short workshops – but I’ve always found that even as an experienced scrapbooker I get frustrated. I hate measuring and trying to keep up.  I also hate having a result that I then have to find the pictures for.  I don’t scraplift from magazines.  I MIGHT use something as an inspiration but virtually everything I’ve done is MINE.  MY idea.  As a result, my pages aren’t the stunning works of art that are in the magazines.  But that’s OK.  They are MINE.  ALL MINE. And if “I” like it, then that should be all that matters.  Ohhh, but it’s sooo hard not to compare.  When the lady beside you has just spent 6 hours painstakingly making flowers to adorn her page and the result is exquisite, its hard to look at your own and be satisfied with mediocre.  But I digress – back to what *I* would recommend.  I’m virtually self taught.  So I’ve learned from my mistakes and from talking and watching others – and that leads me to my first tip…

  • Don’t be afraid to experiment.  The result may not be exactly what you hoped for, but LEARN from it.
  • Don’t pull it all apart   – its fine to fiddle and tweak something, but leave it!  Make the NEXT page better – but don’t spend hours redoing this one.  MOVE ON – you may never LOVE this page – but someone else might.  And honestly those pictures are off the computer and onto a page. Even if you think its ugly its BETTER than it was.
  • Let your pictures be the focus – in years to come is the viewer going to spend more time looking at your fancy flowers or your picture? Yes the embellishments etc can make the page look AMAZING, but is the time worth it?  That’s a personal choice. For me, I don’t have the time. I have way too many pictures waiting for me and kids etc using up all my time.  I still like the KISS rule – Keep it simple stupid.
  • Throw away the ruler – this one will get some people just cringing.  I use it occasionally but honestly you free yourself when you allow “eyeballing” to be your guide.  Eyeballing will not be perfect!  That’s right!!  EXACTLY.  It doesn’t need to perfect!  Its faster, its less fiddly. It’s EASIER. When I mat a photo – I stick my picture onto a chunk of paper – lining up 2 edges with an eyeballed border – then I use my trimmer and cut the other 2 sides to be “about the same”.  You get pretty good at knowing how much to trim etc.  None of this “cut a piece 5 5/8th’s by 4 3/4 etc.”  NOPE – stick cut cut. done!  Easy peasy.

BUT – that doesn’t help a newbie get started.  HOW do you begin? What is the FIRST step? Here’s what I’ve suggested:

  1. Pick 3 to 5 photos of one event/theme that you like, but aren’t of a major event – you don’t want to mess up or experiment with your baby photos, or your great grandma’s portrait.
  2. When choosing photos remember you don’t need ALL of them.  If 3 or 4 are similar, pick ONE of those.  If you have a close up – USE it!
  3. Look at photos – is there a colour you want to highlight or enhance – this will guide you to what background or mat colours for the paper.
  4. If the photo is busy – use plain – if the photo is simpler – you can use patterns more easily.
  5. Putting photos straight onto a pattern is often harder to look at – too distractin. Mat them first with a solid colour.
  6. You want the viewer to look INTO not OFF the page – so faces, gestures etc should face inwards not out to margins.
  7. You want the photos to FLOW – so the eye is led around the page – allow something to overlap to another item -whether its a bit of ribbon, or a strip of paper or a flower.  If your pictures are all “floating” you will feel something is missing.
  8. JOURNAL! At least add the date and a name.  You don’t have to put a long description.  AND don’t be afraid of your writing.  Just do it. Don’t wait to use the computer, unless you really will. (I’ve left too many pages with blank spots waiting for the jouranling and never got to it)  In years from now, others seeing your book will be glad to see your own penmanship – whether its good or bad. If you really really hate your writing – you can use sticker or stamping or hide writing under a flap.  BUT please please – LABEL IT!! And do it NOW.
  9. Empty space is OK.  You don’t need to fill it.  If you add something – ask yourself – is this ENHANCING my photos.
  10. When you are ready – add a technique – for each layout, try a new one – such as paper tearing, inking, brads, ribbon, different colours, multiple patterns etc.  THEN start adding them together. Play until you find what you YOU like. Look at magazines for IDEAS.  But don’t feel you have to measure up to what’s been published. If you constantly compare yours to theirs – you’ll never be happy.

And that’s MY style.  Keep in mind I wear Granny panties, so those who prefer briefs or thongs, may have an entirely different approach.  And that’s OK.  Nobody should be the same! That’s why Scrapbooking is an art form.  It’s unique – just like me.

And that’s me! GP.

 

Special Needs Integration

Oh boy.  I’m bound to piss off someone and everybody all in one blog.  Well here goes nothing…

In our area, all special needs kids, no matter how extreme, are integrated into regular elementary classrooms.  And typically the gov’t will fund a full time Educational Assistant (EA) to chase and babysit them.  However if you have a child with a minor learning disability or even a moderate behaviour challenge, there is no funding for any behaviour/educational support at all.

I’m a teacher and a parent and I don’t like it from either angle. Don’t get me wrong – I think integration works for some kids, but it isn’t for everyone. Our current system SUCKS.

Honestly, how is the non-verbal, screaming autistic child running through the hallways, disturbing every class, benefiting?  Why does she deserve a full time EA to chase her around?  Are all the other kids learning tolerance of her disabilities?  Or are they developing frustrations and headaches and hoping that they don’t have to be in the same class with THAT child again?  I’ll tell you – its the second one!

When that same Autistic child is forced to be part of the school musical and is crying and wailing and being held in place by her EA, its not enjoyable for the audience.  She is ruining the show for everyone.  And I really don’t think that child is benefiting either. So WHY are we doing this?

Its apparently acceptable to throw things and disrupt everyone and have special exemptions if you are a child with severe “issues”, but heaven forbid my child get any special accommodations for her needs.

Mine has Oppositional Defiance Disorder and is a highly sensitive person.  She is triggered by many sounds (such as kids screaming in the halls! or even chalk on a blackboard).  She is instantly calmed by listening to music.  However, when the request to allow her to bring an iPod and use it to calm down was made – it was refused.  iPods aren’t allowed and if an exception was made for her it would have to be made for everyone.  REALLY?  Then why does the autistic girl have her own to use whenever she wants!?  Honestly are her needs MORE important than my child’s? The apparent answer seems to be YES. We cater to the extreme. If you are more normal – SUCK IT UP.

My child is bright. When calm, she will learn a lot and contribute both in school and to the community.  What is that other girl going to do?  She is a lovely girl but she will always need support. She isn’t going to hold down a job.  Yet the school is giving more time and money to her education.  I think it’s absolute CRAP.

My son has dyslexia.  He is also gifted.  But because of his learning disability he hasn’t been able to excel.  He struggles to get any written work done. While he was in elementary school, I had to fight for 5 years just to get him tested!   He got some help one year when he sat next to the ASD child.  THAT boy had a full time EA to help him. So that EA helped my son. It was such a benefit.  He loved the help; he would have had way more success and way more confidence in his abilities if he’d had more help in other years. But NO! –the funding is for the ones who aren’t going to amount to much.  My son’s current teacher has dubbed him “the future prime minister”  She see’s that much potential in him.  But its not come from any EA support. Its come from hours upon hours of support from ME!!!  And persevering through many tantrums, thrown books and lots of “I’m so stupid” crying jags, as he struggled, not understanding why he “couldn’t get it”.  ARGHHH!!

Society needs to put that little extra out NOW, for some of the borderline kids.  Give them that boost and help while they are young and let them fly.  But instead we spend all the time carrying the kids who will need to be carried forever. They aren’t ever going to fly; leaving those who could have learned to fly still struggling because the helpers were too busy carrying our “special” kids.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve seen many successful integrated kids too. I think all kids deserve a classroom where their needs are met. If they are able to sit and partake in a regular class with minimal disruption – its a good situation for all.  However a special program where basic life skills are taught would be better for some. I had a child one year whose EA spent the entire year, toilet training him. Seriously!!  Yet my kid couldn’t get any reading support?!  I had to teach a child choir who could only HONK out sounds to talk, much less sing. And all the other kids who wanted to sing had to tolerate it.  And this is OK?

NO. IT’S. NOT!  Not for me as a teacher; not for me as a parent; not for my students and not for my children. It’s not OK.  Integration isn’t for ALL. IT NEEDS TO CHANGE.

And I’ll stop now before I get my granny panties all in a knot!

That’s me. GP.

Bring on the beach

I’m going to the lake today.  I love the water.  I can tolerate the sun if I have some shade and a place to cool off.  There is something refreshing about being on a beach.  Somehow I find it can wash away some of the stress and I can just BE for a while.

There is no laundry or dishes or gardening or rooms to clean.  No bills, no tv.  Just Water, sand and sun.  A reclining chaise, an umbrella for shade, a snack, book, and PEACE.  When its too warm, a float on my inner tube, probably with my dog lying on me.

Talking with a good friend, while our girls play.  Maybe dozing.  Just staring out at the water.  Enjoying a moment.  I don’t often do that. Its hard for me.  But I actually took the time to reschedule a therapist appt so that I could do this trip today.  Yeah me!

In my head, I’m calculating what I need to pack to bring along. Debating if I wake the sleeping teen and drag him along too.  (I’m thinking yes, as he never gets up or goes anywhere, but not sure if I want the fight or the grumpy kid next to me)  Ah decisions decisions.

What is it about water and sun, that just make you feel better?  I don’t like just the sun. I get hot and uncomfortable.  I love water.   I think I always have.

I’m hoping that this day will rejuvenate me a wee bit.  Help me to let go of some of the anxiety I have dealt with this week. I think it will be a great day.

I’m leaving the house as is.  I’m not going to worry about the dishes or laundry.  They will be waiting for me upon my return anyways.  I’m going to find my sunblock and swimsuit, my floppy hat, my flipflops and an unhealthy snack! I’ll change out of my granny panties before I go.

Well I guess its time to stop talking about it, and do it!

And that’s me today. GP

School Supplies

As a child I looked forward to the day we would go to the store to buy all the new school supplies.  I’d eagerly await the chance to pick out my fresh new crayons in the 64 pack if I was lucky!  And once home, it was great fun to touch and sort everything, as my Mum had to write my name on all 64 crayons.

And ironically, my daughter also loves it too.  She has asked for days “when can we go buy school supplies”.  Last week when Walmart cleared the summer display out, we knew the supplies were on their way and we could be shopping soon.

I’ve learned too, that the early bird gets the best duotangs and felts!  Don’t wait til the end of August!  You’ll end up with one colour duotang, or worse have to go to 3 stores to find any at all!  So today was the day, to get the 50 pack of thin felts (after all its better to have more colours!) and the 16 pack of thick felts.  My kids no longer need crayons.  That’s ok.  Now we are onto zipper binders and geometry kits.  I still remember my first geometry kit – I felt so grown up.

I even treated myself to 2 packs of sharpies! A standard pack with 2 black, and a red, blue and green.  But also a special pack that had pink, purple and other neat colours.  Felt pens for grown ups!  🙂  Exciting times. My son was questioning “why are you getting that?”  “Because I want to!”  Serioulsy?!  He doesn’t get it.  He was bemoaning being in the store “can’t we just buy this stuff and get out of here?”  So much like his dad.  Hehe. But it was all there, the glue, pens, paper, etc. And I wanted to look at it all.  I restrained somewhat, but I really wanted to.

So many schools including my daughter’s offer a school supply package.  You pre-order and its given to you on your first day of school.  I did it one year for my son.  And I realized how disappointed I was.  I missed out on my once a year shopping trip!  I didn’t get to pick the big packages of felts etc.  All the kids had exactly the same stuff.  Where is the fun in that? Nope we never pre-order anymore.  I LIKE the shopping and I like getting my kids the larger packs of felts etc so they have all the cool colours.

And now that we are home, my daughter is opening the packages, putting paper in her binders, felts into pencil cases etc.  I totally get it!  Its so much fun!  I’ll have to label it all (not so much fun). But I remember that thrill and its fun to see my daughter getting that same thrill. At this very second, she is opening her first geometry set and checking out the protractor and compass.

I like shopping generally. So does she. But there is something inherently special about that annual foray to get school supplies. We won’t get that trip for another year now.

We did pick up a bunch of other “stuff” like shampoo, bandaids, t-shirts, and granny panties.  But that doesn’t give me the same rush of enjoyment. It’s all about the school supplies!

So that’s me (with my NEW granny panties and sharpie felts!)

You found me!

Well if you are here, that means either:

a) I’ve trusted you into this private space, or

b) you’ve inadvertently stumbled into my crazy vortex.  Either way – Welcome.

This is my place to reveal the real me.  so here it is – I am a mom. I have 2 kids. I am a widow.

When I’m mad, I swear, even in front of my kids. Oh well. (lock me up now!). I think a clean house is when both the laundry AND dishes are done at the same time as the LR is vacuumed. And oh yeah, I wear Granny Panties. This is me.