I LOVE FOOD!  Pure and simple.  I hear the line “Food, glorious food” from the musical Oliver, running on a never ending loop in my brain.  Food is enticing; food is comforting; food is stimulating; food is exhilarating.

I can sit and dream of food.  As I drive, everywhere I go, I see restaurants and then imagine the taste of each tempting morsel that they would make.  And I don’t have to be the least bit hungry.  I can sit on Pinterest for hours looking at images of delectable food creations and want to make every single one. RIGHT NOW.  I can easily flip from wanting savory to salty to sweet to sour in a matter of minutes. I can go from wanting a juicy steak, to cheesecake to Baileys to a milkshake.  Mmmm ok how about a steak dinner with a Baileys milkshake and cheesecake for dessert.  Oh with grilled asparagus, crab and bearnaise, garlic mashed potatoes, and a cocktail, mmm OMG – now I want that! And I repeat I don’t have to be hungry.

In fact that is the biggest issue.  I can be completely full and STILL want food because I want the TASTE and TEXTURE of it.  I will start craving certain foods and NOTHING else will satisfy.  Because its not about being hungry. Those without food issues will not get this obsession.

I said once to a group of women on all weight loss protein shakes, that I was tempted to just “chew the food, and then spit it out instead of swallowing it”.  One lady understood me instantly.  She would have been right there with me spitting like a bunch of guys with chewing tobacco.  However another lady was appalled.  “Isn’t that just like throwing up?”.  Hell NO!  I don’t intend to swallow it!!

Another lady suggested “well why don’t you have some veggies ready to snack on instead?”  DUHH WHAT?!  Let me make this clear – I’m not actually HUNGRY.  And trust me – I don’t CRAVE carrots and celery.  EVER.  The day I do, I’ll be more than happy to satisfy that craving!  I’m talking about craving a 7 layer cake made of brownies, cheese cake, and chocolate chip cookies.

There isn’t a vegetable on this planet that will replace my desire for this cake!  I could eat every veggie or piece of fruit til I was exploding at the seams and then some – and guess what – I’ll STILL WANT THE CAKE!

Yup.  Because its about savouring that thick chewy brownie and allowing that creamy cheesecake to melt on my tonuge, while enjoying that crunch of the cookie.  From this description you’d think I’d had this cake before wouldn’t you?  NOPE.  never.  I saw it yesterday on pinterest for the first time and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Potlucks and Buffets are hellish.  I want EVERYTHING there.  I go from dish to dish thinking “oh yes, I want that, and that, oh and that.  mmmm MUST have THAT!”  til my plate is overflowing.  Then I HAVE to go back with another plate for all the things I either missed the first round, or LOVED so much I must have MORE.  “please sir, can I have some more?”   MOOOORE?!  (oliver, oliver, never before has a boy wanted more).  But then I get full.  Damn it – there was more food to try.  And I walk away stuffed beyond comfort and totally UNSATISFIED.  Unsatisfied because I couldn’t consume every dish that was calling to me.

So I will spend days, THINKING about the foods I didn’t get to try.  Dreaming of a chance to go back and have them.  Meanwhile berating myself for being such a glutton and reminding myself “this is why you are overweight”

I’ve been to dieticians and nutritionists.  I KNOW what a balanced, healthy diet looks like.  I’m perfectly aware of what the right choices would be.  But that doesn’t address my food “issues”.   Foods consumed in the dark with nobody watching don’t count right?  If you eat the ice-cream directly out of the container, or just trim a 1/4″ strip off the edge of the cake, or just take a few more bites of the leftover applecrisp – NOBODY will know.  RIGHT?!  If you smuggle the frozen shortbread or Christmas nuts/bolts just a few times over the year – NOBODY will remember how many were there to start with. Right? However when Christmas rolls around the following year and the once full container of nuts and bolts has barely any left, it DOES become kinda obvious.  Hmmm.  I think SOMEBODY noticed.

I’ve been obsessed with food since I was young. Sneaking a cookie and running to the bathroom to eat it or keeping a spoon hidden in the bookcase opposite the deep freezer, to make a quick ice-cream snitch that much quicker, HAPPENED. FREQUENTLY.   I remember lurking under the stairs or being “trapped” in the shower stall of the basement ensuite, while my mum did laundry in the room next door, or risk being caught red handed with an illicit food item.  And you can’t casually emerge from under the stairs without attracting attention to yourself.  So you wait. And Damn it, she’s FOLDING the entire load NOW. Oh mannnn. How long will I have to hide?

My Mum tried a cookie diet.  9 special lemon cookies instead of the meal.  Oh I soooo wanted to do that diet too.  I was the fat kid.  I needed to lose weight.  I was teased plenty.  I was always seeking some solution to losing weight. When I first learned about anorexia and bulimia, I became fascinated with it.  I thought it would be a cool way to lose weight.  It took several years to have the will power to self induce vomiting, but I learned how. I was pleased with myself.  And in university I tried to cut out food.  But I just couldn’t.  So I binged and purged instead. Much more satisfying, cause I got to eat. but it’s not a great pattern – esp. when you pass out in your own bathroom.  Although I have to share – if you puke right away – the food isn’t digested so its not like vomit – it still tastes food – except ice cream – that’s just gross.  TMI.  I know I know.  So I’ve learned – don’t binge on ice cream.  No, seriously – I don’t purge anymore.  But I do binge. People who say – “oh one chocolate or one cookie is plenty” have NO CLUE.  There is NO SUCH THING as ENOUGH.

Food is an obsession.  Weight watchers worked for a while, but they don’t address the disordered eating side.  Most “diets” don’t address them.  Instead I need to find the role food is playing in my mind.  WHY is it comforting?  WHY do the tastes and textures  give me such satisfaction(which is why apple pie gum – does NOT help me – I just want pie even more)?  What does food represent to me?  How do I move past my long established relationship with food, and establish a healthy one?

I’m working at it.  I’m making steps each day in the right direction.  But each time I falter from my “plan” or “goal”  I get angry and frustrated. I get all the “you failed, you suck, you cheated” messages.  And then I want to comfort myself even more with “bad” choices. I LOVE FOOD.

So even as I sit here, totally full from my protein shake, I’m dreaming of “what would I eat next if I could have anything?”  The shakes work – I’ve lost weight and inches.  I’m “craving” sweets less often. My blood sugars have dropped.  I’ve chosen SALAD at restaurants over steak a few times recently. That’s unheard of  – TRUST ME!. I drink more water esp when I crave food.  So I know that I’m inching my way towards healthier ways. But I’m a long way from having my granny panties falling off from being too big.

So I’m going to go back to my recipe books and dream of more food. Because at least dreaming isn’t as damaging as eating. And when its time for my next meal I’ll try and choose a shake instead of caving into my desire to have something mouthwatering, fattening and much more satisfying. MMMMM FOOD.  How I love you.

And that’s me. GP.