I’ve had my eyes opened dramatically in the past 24 hours. I have my 5 year old niece visiting us. This is her first time to our home. And as most 5 year old kids, do, she says what she is thinking with no filter. Her comments are a reflection of what she sees based on her own perceptions.
As I noted a few blogs ago, I didn’t remember “teaching” my own daughter my ways of thinking. But suddenly I am seeing my warped ideals and misconceptions being repeated in her thoughts. I didn’t want my child to suffer the same frustrations I have. I didn’t TRY to influence her in those negative thought patterns, and yet somehow she absorbed those problems like a sponge.
I’m seeing trends already in my niece that are no different. She is clearly a sponge too. As soon as my niece got in my van, she right away said “you really need to clean this”. Sure there is some garbage in the van – a take out bag, a disposed bag of chips from the beach last week, a towel, some misc. stuff – but actually – compared to what we sometimes have – its pretty darn good! Within 10 minutes of being in our home, she commented on my LR “why is it so messy?” I told her it wasn’t – sure the throw cushions and blankets were tossed on the floor – so what?! we USE this room. and sure there is a laundry basket with a couple of towels waiting to be put in the linen closet, and my daughter’s camping bin with her clothes ready to take to the trailer (she had just packed them for our upcoming trip). And the room was vacuumed about 5 day ago -so relatively tidy. So she pointed to the stains on our 10 year old carpeting – “but that’s dirty”
Since when does a 5 year old comment on house keeping and carpet stains? Where did she learn this “standard” Who TAUGHT her that a room has to be “perfectly tidy” and essentially immaculate? I bet her mom (my sister-in-law) didn’t intentionally sit her down and tell her that clean is good and messy is bad. etc. But this little sponge has figured out that value.
I’ve spent YEARS agonizing over the “perfect home” syndrome and not living up to it. Worrying what if someone shows up and judges me. Thinking that I’m a worthless person because I can’t keep the spotless home AND live in it too. That I’m not a neat freak and don’t clean and tidy all the time. I have wished at times for a bit of the OCD cleaning vibe some of my friends have. I struggle daily. I don’t want to live on fake pretenses. I want to believe that the state of my home is NOT what i’ll be judged on – that I’ll be judged on my morals and values and actions, and not whether I have a laundry basket in my LR.
But then WHAM – a FIVE year old reinforces my warped message. NOPE – not good enough. MUST CLEAN MORE. I don’t measure up. BUT WAIT.. I need to say STOP. I need to halt the thinking.
I’ve been continually frustrated by my SIL (her mom) for this VERY issue. I’m not allowed to visit my brother unless her house is perfect. They are out of town. I may only see them 1 or 2 times a YEAR. And I HAVE to give ample warning if I want to show up at their home, so that it can be “clean enough”. My brother has had to be secretive if I come over when the house has not been “ready”. I don’t care about their home. I really don’t. I want to see them! I suffer the same self doubt as my SIL – the “what will others think of me” if something isn’t right. I GET it.
But to hear my niece comment in a disgusted tone, on a yard full of dandilions “that yard has lots of weeds” (thankfully NOT mine! 🙂 is sad too. She has already developed that perception that outward appearances is important. Like a sponge, she has absorbed that message. And I bet, like me and her mother, it will haunt or trouble her as she grows older and tries to continually strive to meet that unattainable high standard.
It makes me cry when I see my daughter getting therapy to help her break her distorted thinking. I feel guilty. I blame myself. But my therapist pointed out something critical – “she is breaking that pattern NOW. She has not spent 40 years thinking this”
I’m trying to break the thinking traps. I’m trying to replace distorted thinking with realistic thinking. I’m trying to ignore the messages of a 5 yr old and remember that a Social worker was just in my home a week ago (for other reasons) and says I’m doing absolutely fine. That there are no concerns with my home. I have to believe this. I have to take it to heart. I do NOT (and nor does my SIL) have to have a spotless home, to be a worthy person. And my little sponge next to me, is learning valuable lessons every second – whether I “teach” it consciously or not.
She needs to learn that we are OK – granny panties and all – and that perfection in our home or life is NOT going to happen and trying to achieve that will only lead to continual disappointment.
My personal goal is to accept it AS IS. and be HAPPY with that.
That’s me. GP