Tag Archives: weight

Food.

Posted on by
1

I LOVE FOOD!  Pure and simple.  I hear the line “Food, glorious food” from the musical Oliver, running on a never ending loop in my brain.  Food is enticing; food is comforting; food is stimulating; food is exhilarating.

I can sit and dream of food.  As I drive, everywhere I go, I see restaurants and then imagine the taste of each tempting morsel that they would make.  And I don’t have to be the least bit hungry.  I can sit on Pinterest for hours looking at images of delectable food creations and want to make every single one. RIGHT NOW.  I can easily flip from wanting savory to salty to sweet to sour in a matter of minutes. I can go from wanting a juicy steak, to cheesecake to Baileys to a milkshake.  Mmmm ok how about a steak dinner with a Baileys milkshake and cheesecake for dessert.  Oh with grilled asparagus, crab and bearnaise, garlic mashed potatoes, and a cocktail, mmm OMG – now I want that! And I repeat I don’t have to be hungry.

In fact that is the biggest issue.  I can be completely full and STILL want food because I want the TASTE and TEXTURE of it.  I will start craving certain foods and NOTHING else will satisfy.  Because its not about being hungry. Those without food issues will not get this obsession.

I said once to a group of women on all weight loss protein shakes, that I was tempted to just “chew the food, and then spit it out instead of swallowing it”.  One lady understood me instantly.  She would have been right there with me spitting like a bunch of guys with chewing tobacco.  However another lady was appalled.  “Isn’t that just like throwing up?”.  Hell NO!  I don’t intend to swallow it!!

Another lady suggested “well why don’t you have some veggies ready to snack on instead?”  DUHH WHAT?!  Let me make this clear – I’m not actually HUNGRY.  And trust me – I don’t CRAVE carrots and celery.  EVER.  The day I do, I’ll be more than happy to satisfy that craving!  I’m talking about craving a 7 layer cake made of brownies, cheese cake, and chocolate chip cookies.S'More Cake

There isn’t a vegetable on this planet that will replace my desire for this cake!  I could eat every veggie or piece of fruit til I was exploding at the seams and then some – and guess what – I’ll STILL WANT THE CAKE!

Yup.  Because its about savouring that thick chewy brownie and allowing that creamy cheesecake to melt on my tonuge, while enjoying that crunch of the cookie.  From this description you’d think I’d had this cake before wouldn’t you?  NOPE.  never.  I saw it yesterday on pinterest for the first time and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Potlucks and Buffets are hellish.  I want EVERYTHING there.  I go from dish to dish thinking “oh yes, I want that, and that, oh and that.  mmmm MUST have THAT!”  til my plate is overflowing.  Then I HAVE to go back with another plate for all the things I either missed the first round, or LOVED so much I must have MORE.  “please sir, can I have some more?”   MOOOORE?!  (oliver, oliver, never before has a boy wanted more).  But then I get full.  Damn it – there was more food to try.  And I walk away stuffed beyond comfort and totally UNSATISFIED.  Unsatisfied because I couldn’t consume every dish that was calling to me.

So I will spend days, THINKING about the foods I didn’t get to try.  Dreaming of a chance to go back and have them.  Meanwhile berating myself for being such a glutton and reminding myself “this is why you are overweight”

I’ve been to dieticians and nutritionists.  I KNOW what a balanced, healthy diet looks like.  I’m perfectly aware of what the right choices would be.  But that doesn’t address my food “issues”.   Foods consumed in the dark with nobody watching don’t count right?  If you eat the ice-cream directly out of the container, or just trim a 1/4″ strip off the edge of the cake, or just take a few more bites of the leftover applecrisp – NOBODY will know.  RIGHT?!  If you smuggle the frozen shortbread or Christmas nuts/bolts just a few times over the year – NOBODY will remember how many were there to start with. Right? However when Christmas rolls around the following year and the once full container of nuts and bolts has barely any left, it DOES become kinda obvious.  Hmmm.  I think SOMEBODY noticed.

I’ve been obsessed with food since I was young. Sneaking a cookie and running to the bathroom to eat it or keeping a spoon hidden in the bookcase opposite the deep freezer, to make a quick ice-cream snitch that much quicker, HAPPENED. FREQUENTLY.   I remember lurking under the stairs or being “trapped” in the shower stall of the basement ensuite, while my mum did laundry in the room next door, or risk being caught red handed with an illicit food item.  And you can’t casually emerge from under the stairs without attracting attention to yourself.  So you wait. And Damn it, she’s FOLDING the entire load NOW. Oh mannnn. How long will I have to hide?

My Mum tried a cookie diet.  9 special lemon cookies instead of the meal.  Oh I soooo wanted to do that diet too.  I was the fat kid.  I needed to lose weight.  I was teased plenty.  I was always seeking some solution to losing weight. When I first learned about anorexia and bulimia, I became fascinated with it.  I thought it would be a cool way to lose weight.  It took several years to have the will power to self induce vomiting, but I learned how. I was pleased with myself.  And in university I tried to cut out food.  But I just couldn’t.  So I binged and purged instead. Much more satisfying, cause I got to eat. but it’s not a great pattern – esp. when you pass out in your own bathroom.  Although I have to share – if you puke right away – the food isn’t digested so its not like vomit – it still tastes food – except ice cream – that’s just gross.  TMI.  I know I know.  So I’ve learned – don’t binge on ice cream.  No, seriously – I don’t purge anymore.  But I do binge. People who say – “oh one chocolate or one cookie is plenty” have NO CLUE.  There is NO SUCH THING as ENOUGH.

Food is an obsession.  Weight watchers worked for a while, but they don’t address the disordered eating side.  Most “diets” don’t address them.  Instead I need to find the role food is playing in my mind.  WHY is it comforting?  WHY do the tastes and textures  give me such satisfaction(which is why apple pie gum – does NOT help me – I just want pie even more)?  What does food represent to me?  How do I move past my long established relationship with food, and establish a healthy one?

I’m working at it.  I’m making steps each day in the right direction.  But each time I falter from my “plan” or “goal”  I get angry and frustrated. I get all the “you failed, you suck, you cheated” messages.  And then I want to comfort myself even more with “bad” choices. I LOVE FOOD.

So even as I sit here, totally full from my protein shake, I’m dreaming of “what would I eat next if I could have anything?”  http://richriley.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Vi-Shape.jpgThe shakes work – I’ve lost weight and inches.  I’m “craving” sweets less often. My blood sugars have dropped.  I’ve chosen SALAD at restaurants over steak a few times recently. That’s unheard of  – TRUST ME!. I drink more water esp when I crave food.  So I know that I’m inching my way towards healthier ways. But I’m a long way from having my granny panties falling off from being too big.

So I’m going to go back to my recipe books and dream of more food. Because at least dreaming isn’t as damaging as eating. And when its time for my next meal I’ll try and choose a shake instead of caving into my desire to have something mouthwatering, fattening and much more satisfying. MMMMM FOOD.  How I love you.

And that’s me. GP.

 

So unfair.

Posted on by
Reply

Life is just so unfair.  And nobody said life would be fair, but seriously?! Some people seem to roll along with minor blips and bumps and others get major shit, time after time.  Its not fair.  Its not right.

And one person’s crisis is a bump to another. And vice versa.  Honestly, I’m tired of it all.

So finally my beautiful daughter is on medication and calmer. And able to cope better. So that should be good right?  But the meds are causing her to gain weight FAST.  She is getting fatter.  She is 2 sizes larger than she was just a few months ago.  She can tell.  She can see it.  So my once, tiny, athletic SKINNY girl is now definitely chubby.  And just in time for puberty and when looks count for so much.  As we sat together in her room going thru her clothes and getting rid of the small stuff, she broke down and cried.  “I’m getting fat Mummy”   It broke my heart.  I was the fat kid.  I carry the scars of self hatred and the teasing to this day.  Food is my comfort and enemy.  And now here she is, 9 years old and suddenly in a size 14 pant when she could wear size 10 at Christmas.  Seeing it, feeling it and hating it.  And we know her meds are a big part of the problem.  But she MUST take the meds.  She is a picky eater, so finding food she likes is an issue too. Sigh.  It’s not fair.  Sooo unfair.

Hasn’t she suffered enough losing her dad?  And having a mental disorder that causes her extreme rage and anxiety?  And having to see therapists and doctors? and having her brother hate her and tell her so repeatedly? and having a weak ankle causing her to give up gymnastics which she liked? and her anxiety disorder causing her to have fear of heights so she had to give up diving? and now she is getting fat?  ENOUGH!  This girl is only NINE!  So unfair.

It just makes me cry.  I feel so helpless.  I can’t do much for her.  I can suggest healthy options (which she hates) I can encourage exercise. I can support her tears.  But I can’t take away any of the pain.  And I know the pain first hand.  And I live the pain daily.  I want it to go away.  For me and her.  Its just so unfair.

and that’s me today.  GP.

WHY?

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve never understood why I’m much more willing to help someone else than I am to help myself.  And I suspect I’m not alone on this.

It applies to almost every aspect of my life.  I am way more critical of what I do, say, etc than I ever would be of ANYONE else.

Yesterday is a perfect example.  I was more than willing to help pack and move boxes for a friend (who didn’t even ASK me for help), than I am to do virtually any task at home for myself.  I took a friend’s child over for a sleepover, so those parents could have an evening off.  But am I able to ask for the same help? Nope.  Do I think I should ask for help? Nope.  Do I think I deserve the help? NOPE!  and yet I feel the others deserve it.  I think they are worth it.  I think they’ve earned it.

On more than one occasion, I’ve had a therapist ask me “what would you do/think if this was a friend in this situation?”  “What advice etc would you tell them?”  and I am HONESTLY stymied that I can’t treat myself with the same respect and rights as I’d give my friends.  One therapist went so far as to have me contact a friend, and have her write out some reasons WHY, she liked me as a friend.  The list made me cry.  But the realization that I can’t create that list for myself is upsetting. I truly can not fathom WHY people like me. Or what good they see in me. Or why they want to be around me.

Its so hard to give myself accurate credit for what I do.  I dismiss things too easily or negate them.  Rather than thinking “good for me, for packing over 1/2 my friends kitchen into boxes” I think “what a  procrastinator you are, you should be cleaning your own kitchen, you lazy ass”

Instead of acknowledging that I did something nice for someone, I’m too busy criticizing myself for something I haven’t done.  Or “should” have done.

I WANT to like and respect myself.  I envy those who have (or appear to have) self esteem.  I’m trying desperately to re-think the way I do and see things, so that I will change.  But it just seems that I end up more critical of myself.  I end up comparing everything and I come up short. (which is easy when you are only 5’3 1/2).

When I try to lose weight, I end up comparing my success with someone else. And if she has lost more, then I think well its because she’s better than me. She’s more committed to the goal. And if she’s more committed to the goal, its because she’s better than me at dieting. And since she is better at dieting, its obviously because she’s a better, stronger, more capable person.  Its because I’m a failure and I suck at stuff. I can’t just stop and let it be that we lose at different rates. It’s black and white – all or nothing.  Since I’m not doing perfectly, i don’t want to at all.  If I am not the best, I’m the worst.  There is no 1/2 way.

And somehow without realizing it, I’ve taught my daughter the same messed up perception.  So now I’m ruining her life too.  Apparently it’s not bad enough that I see everything all askew…now my daughter gets to see it that way too.  I hadn’t even known I’d said anything or done anything, for her to get this messed view.  Why do I have these perceptions?  I don’t remember being “taught” them.  Just like I certainly don’t remember “teaching” them to my daughter.  So WHY does she see things so black and white too?

Why can’t I accept help as readily as I’d offer it?  Why do I feel needing help is weakness? I certainly don’t think any of my friends are weak. I feel they are all much stronger than I, and yet I’m willing to give them help.  And I don’t think they are weak for accepting it.  Why is it, that if someone takes my kid for the day or a playdate etc, I think I will OWE them big time.  And yet, when the shoe is reversed, I don’t think they’d owe me anything at all.

I just don’t know WHY I have this totally unattainable, unrealistic, high standard for my life. But don’t expect anyone else to have to strive to it.  I’ve mentally collected all the positives that everyone else does, and put them ALL into ONE package deal.  And I can’t do it.  (I’m not sure if anyone actually does) But since I can’t – I’m a failure. AT EVERYTHING.  And since I’m gonna fail, why start? why bother?

So once in a while, I’ll help someone else, and I feel good for a few moments. I like the positive feedback – the “oh thank you so much” etc.  And for a moment I smile and feel proud of myself. Even to a point, where I allow myself to feel smug because “I” did that “whatever it was” and not someone else.  But just as quickly I wipe out that feeling, and replace it with a negative reminder of a failed aspect in my day to day.  WHY?  does it make me feel better? Nope. But I’ve become more used to being miserable on the inside.  And the warped perception I have, tells me that I deserved the bad things.  That I’m being punished for being bad.  Why? who knows…

So, day by day I need to acknowledge and ACCEPT some things I’ve done that are GOOD and worthwhile and stop there.  NOT negate them.  NOT replace them.  And maybe one day I can stop asking Why.

And that’s me.  GP