I’ve never understood why I’m much more willing to help someone else than I am to help myself.  And I suspect I’m not alone on this.

It applies to almost every aspect of my life.  I am way more critical of what I do, say, etc than I ever would be of ANYONE else.

Yesterday is a perfect example.  I was more than willing to help pack and move boxes for a friend (who didn’t even ASK me for help), than I am to do virtually any task at home for myself.  I took a friend’s child over for a sleepover, so those parents could have an evening off.  But am I able to ask for the same help? Nope.  Do I think I should ask for help? Nope.  Do I think I deserve the help? NOPE!  and yet I feel the others deserve it.  I think they are worth it.  I think they’ve earned it.

On more than one occasion, I’ve had a therapist ask me “what would you do/think if this was a friend in this situation?”  “What advice etc would you tell them?”  and I am HONESTLY stymied that I can’t treat myself with the same respect and rights as I’d give my friends.  One therapist went so far as to have me contact a friend, and have her write out some reasons WHY, she liked me as a friend.  The list made me cry.  But the realization that I can’t create that list for myself is upsetting. I truly can not fathom WHY people like me. Or what good they see in me. Or why they want to be around me.

Its so hard to give myself accurate credit for what I do.  I dismiss things too easily or negate them.  Rather than thinking “good for me, for packing over 1/2 my friends kitchen into boxes” I think “what a  procrastinator you are, you should be cleaning your own kitchen, you lazy ass”

Instead of acknowledging that I did something nice for someone, I’m too busy criticizing myself for something I haven’t done.  Or “should” have done.

I WANT to like and respect myself.  I envy those who have (or appear to have) self esteem.  I’m trying desperately to re-think the way I do and see things, so that I will change.  But it just seems that I end up more critical of myself.  I end up comparing everything and I come up short. (which is easy when you are only 5’3 1/2).

When I try to lose weight, I end up comparing my success with someone else. And if she has lost more, then I think well its because she’s better than me. She’s more committed to the goal. And if she’s more committed to the goal, its because she’s better than me at dieting. And since she is better at dieting, its obviously because she’s a better, stronger, more capable person.  Its because I’m a failure and I suck at stuff. I can’t just stop and let it be that we lose at different rates. It’s black and white – all or nothing.  Since I’m not doing perfectly, i don’t want to at all.  If I am not the best, I’m the worst.  There is no 1/2 way.

And somehow without realizing it, I’ve taught my daughter the same messed up perception.  So now I’m ruining her life too.  Apparently it’s not bad enough that I see everything all askew…now my daughter gets to see it that way too.  I hadn’t even known I’d said anything or done anything, for her to get this messed view.  Why do I have these perceptions?  I don’t remember being “taught” them.  Just like I certainly don’t remember “teaching” them to my daughter.  So WHY does she see things so black and white too?

Why can’t I accept help as readily as I’d offer it?  Why do I feel needing help is weakness? I certainly don’t think any of my friends are weak. I feel they are all much stronger than I, and yet I’m willing to give them help.  And I don’t think they are weak for accepting it.  Why is it, that if someone takes my kid for the day or a playdate etc, I think I will OWE them big time.  And yet, when the shoe is reversed, I don’t think they’d owe me anything at all.

I just don’t know WHY I have this totally unattainable, unrealistic, high standard for my life. But don’t expect anyone else to have to strive to it.  I’ve mentally collected all the positives that everyone else does, and put them ALL into ONE package deal.  And I can’t do it.  (I’m not sure if anyone actually does) But since I can’t – I’m a failure. AT EVERYTHING.  And since I’m gonna fail, why start? why bother?

So once in a while, I’ll help someone else, and I feel good for a few moments. I like the positive feedback – the “oh thank you so much” etc.  And for a moment I smile and feel proud of myself. Even to a point, where I allow myself to feel smug because “I” did that “whatever it was” and not someone else.  But just as quickly I wipe out that feeling, and replace it with a negative reminder of a failed aspect in my day to day.  WHY?  does it make me feel better? Nope. But I’ve become more used to being miserable on the inside.  And the warped perception I have, tells me that I deserved the bad things.  That I’m being punished for being bad.  Why? who knows…

So, day by day I need to acknowledge and ACCEPT some things I’ve done that are GOOD and worthwhile and stop there.  NOT negate them.  NOT replace them.  And maybe one day I can stop asking Why.

And that’s me.  GP